A Test of Character

Hello, everyone! Today I write to you from an empty apartment (barring the cats, of course) because my partner is out-of-state to house-sit for his mom. For two weeks.

Today is the… fourth day of me waking up and coming home to an empty apartment. It may seem weird, but the title of this post is heavily applicable because I genuinely consider this a test.  Continue reading “A Test of Character”

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Doing The Right Things (And Still Being Depressed)

Content: exercise, depression, food, recovery frustration

I’m a little frustrated right now. Well, insofar as I can be frustrated, given that I’m in a depressive slump and don’t feel very much right now.

I’m finding it very annoying that I’m doing a lot more of the proactive things you’re “supposed” to do when you’re in recovery, and yet have somehow managed to end up depressed anyway. This is especially annoying because Exercising is one of the most mentioned things you’re Supposed To Do to alleviate depressive symptoms. I started a regular regiment a few weeks ago and it has been DURING THIS REGIMENT that I’ve slumped back. Continue reading “Doing The Right Things (And Still Being Depressed)”

A Year of (re)Invention Update 1

Hey all! It’s been a while since I posted because I just haven’t felt particularly motivated to write, thanks to depression and having other things going on in life. But I wanted to update on some of the things I’ve done to check off on that list I made.

I’ve written in the past about not really liking New Year’s Resolutions for various reasons, so this was a list I made in August with the intention of it lasting until next August, when I ostensibly plan to move somewhere far away from Kansas. But now it’s almost the new year and I wanted to update on it.

I dyed my hair some neon color! It’s been blue for a couple months now and here’s what it looks like today: Continue reading “A Year of (re)Invention Update 1”

A Year of (re)Invention

About a month ago, I got out an old sketchbook and decided I would start keeping my notes for projects and goals and stuff in there. One page contains a list of things I want to do over the next year in order to try to be a person again. And figure out what kind of person I am, since I’ve felt less and less myself over the years.

I wanted to share it here so I can then comment on doing some of the things and have context, and to show how weird I am, I guess.

“A Year of Discovery and (re)Invention” Continue reading “A Year of (re)Invention”

Changes in meds, puberty

Just posting an update on what’s new with my recovery!

My doctor just increased my Prozac intake from 10mg/day to 20mg. I’m hoping this goes well, because I’ve had some seriously bad reactions to SSRIs in the past. Prozac causes intensely vivid dreams and that’s been an issue for me, so she also prescribed me prazosin. It’s a blood pressure medication that’s often used to diminish nightmares.

I’ve more or less stopped taking Vyvanse because I couldn’t eat!

Puberty is weird!!! I’m so hungry all the time! And my clit is so sensitive! Ugh!

I haven’t been feeling great, but I’m working on it. I need to form good habits with working out and generally need to do sleep management with rigid precision.

Cancer

CN: depression, cancer

A long time ago, maybe a couple years at this point, I stumbled on a post about a photographer who took pictures of his wife throughout her struggle with breast cancer. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t write about it at the time, since it affected me strongly, but a search through my old posts tells me I never did.

03-BiOWnec

This story popped up on my radar at about the same time I was really into comparing mental illnesses to physical illnesses to get people to understand how similar they are. I probably referred to cancer more than any other illness because of its emotional weight.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been the same after seeing that series of photos. Continue reading “Cancer”

Recovery (or lack thereof)

I’ve had a bit to drink which is apparently what it takes to get me willing to write about my brain stuff. Content notes for depression, suicidality, self-harm, probably other things.

Ugh, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. I’ve been feeling worse and worse. It feels like none of the things I’ve had problems with are getting resolved and they just keep stacking up so I’m operating under an incredible weight all the time. I have negative amounts of spoons at this point.

I need to deal with my mom but I haven’t decided what I actually want from that situation. She tried to contact me about a month ago and I would like to see my brother but don’t want her to have any negotiating power over me. I don’t want to see him badly enough to let her manipulate me in any way, shape, or form. It’s a sore, open wound that needs to be addressed but I’m not sure picking at it is preferable to bandaging it up and sewing it together later when my hands are steady.

Metaphor. Continue reading “Recovery (or lack thereof)”