A Test of Character

Hello, everyone! Today I write to you from an empty apartment (barring the cats, of course) because my partner is out-of-state to house-sit for his mom. For two weeks.

Today is the… fourth day of me waking up and coming home to an empty apartment. It may seem weird, but the title of this post is heavily applicable because I genuinely consider this a test.  Continue reading “A Test of Character”

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Something optimistic for once

I wrote this three months ago and have no idea why it didn’t end up getting published. Anyway.

 

I was just looking back on some of my oldest posts (from way back on Blogger) and then some of my recent posts, and I realized just how much my depression has slowly consumed my life over the past 5 years.

While several things in my life are less than ideal; frustrating, confusing, what have you; there are a couple good things going on and I’m going to take a moment to remind myself that positivity exists. Continue reading “Something optimistic for once”

A New Way to Battle Depression (FTB)

Signal-boosting my post on Zinnia Jones!

Normally, I’d reserve this type of post for my personal blog, but I figured if I’m feeling inclined to write, I might as well put it in a place where it might be useful to someone. My friend JT Eberhard convinced me that my way of thinking might help someone else put to words how they feel, and moreover this is actually an awesome idea for fighting mental illness and it might literally help someone with their brain weirdness. So, forgive the somewhat personal nature of the post.

Being depressed is about more than just emotions and moods. Yes, that’s a big part of depression: feeling bad all the time for no apparent reason, having disproportionate emotional responses, having a hard time enjoying things, etc. One of the most impactful struggles, however, is that your brain creates logical loopholes and selectively discards relevant information. It cripples your ability to think on a perfectly rational level.

Depression ebbs and flows for me, so some days I think more clearly than others. I take an ADD medication which helps immensely. I’ve also noticed that Ambien has an interesting effect on me. Ambien is a sleep medication that I take pretty regularly. If I don’t actually attempt to sleep within about a half hour of taking it, I find myself incredibly motivated to create things, organize my life, clean my apartment, and begin planning and working toward various goals. As you can imagine, this sometimes leads me to stay up even later, but I digress…

Read the rest of the post here!

It’s Mother’s Day Again

TW: abuse, family alienation, noncompliance

Mother’s Day is a weird thing for me. I don’t pay close attention to holidays in general, since it’s just kind of not my thing. Mother’s Day is especially under the radar because I don’t talk to my mom any more. People just start posting things about it the week prior and then a bunch on the day of, so my regular internet perusing is enough to force me to pay attention to it.

It fills me with mixed emotions. Sometimes I think I miss my mom, but I’m pretty sure it’s just the idea of a mom that I’m missing. There are cool things about her, and in terms of our mutual interests we might be friends. But she’s incredibly way too unstable for me to try to be around. You can be a cool person and also be abusive, and I don’t know that anything will ever cause me to forgive her for the years of physical and psychological damage she did to me. Continue reading “It’s Mother’s Day Again”

Minimizing Illnesses

Yesterday, I filled half of my prescription for Adderall (thanks in great part to some awesome people who donated). Today when I woke up is the first time I’ve taken it and it seems to be pretty awesome thus far. I’m not entirely sure if amphetamines just do things immediately or if I’m experiencing a placebo effect, but either way it’s great. Since I’m dealing with sickness and expensive medical care, I thought I’d share some thoughts on the subject.

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Invisible illnesses like depression and Crohn’s are often and easily dismissed by people who don’t understand them. There’s often a “buck up” attitude that doesn’t seem to crop up as much with other, more physical or obvious ailments. Mental illness, being the thing that I deal with, seems like an incredibly meaningless medical problem compared to cancer or cardiovascular disease.

Seriously, I have a hard time forcing myself not to contrast my illness against physical ailments like strep throat, for example. It’s hard to feel like my depression is a serious thing compared to a bacterial infection.

Then I’m reading some blog and someone points out that depression is a potentially fatal illness. Which is pretty hard to swallow and deal with, even though I have suicidal thoughts fairly often. It doesn’t mesh well in my head. Point being, it’s a serious problem that I tend to try not to make a big deal out of, even while realizing that it’s a big deal. (Am I making any sense?) Continue reading “Minimizing Illnesses”

Before I lose my nerve

My depression has been getting worse over the last year or so, and I’m trying to dig my way out. It’s not easy, especially since things like doctors and pills and psychiatrists cost a lot of money.

I’m doing what I can to cope: I’m trying to change the way I think to prevent triggers from happening or from impacting me severely. I’m eating, and trying to bring it back down into a healthy range so I don’t keep putting on weight. Eating sugar shit all the time is not good and I’m knocking that off. I’m monitoring my caffeine intake and taking ambien to try to have more restful sleep.

Resigning from TS and Queereka was part of the “clearing off the table” thing where I try to make my life simpler. That’s the idea right now: stay healthy, be stable, have fun. Simple.

Unfortunately, my efforts are crippled by a lack of a good chemical base from which to operate. I’ve been taking Wellbutrin for a little over a year and it’s not quite doing the trick. My doctor prescribed me Adderall because she thinks I may have ADD and that the “upper” aspect of it would help some of my droopier depressive symptoms.

I don’t know if having Adderall is going to fix the problems I want fixed, but I can see it making my life a lot easier. Being able to think straight would be a blessing right now.

My insurance will cover about $200 of the prescription, and my copay is $140. I really, really can’t afford that right now. I don’t want to have to reallocate food money so I can get this script, but that’s where we’re at. Continue reading “Before I lose my nerve”