Weird Feels About Moving

So, I’ve ostensibly had plans to move to Seattle for a while now. It’s a romanticized idea that I’ve had since I was little, but now I’m an adult and I can see the more pragmatic aspects of what it means to move across the country to a big city where I don’t know anyone.

And honestly, it’s been freaking me out. The more I look into what it costs to live there, or how far away from the city I’d have to live to have affordable rent, or think about how I would have to fly out to go to my favorite conventions.. The more it freaks me out. Continue reading “Weird Feels About Moving”

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A Year of (re)Invention Update 1

Hey all! It’s been a while since I posted because I just haven’t felt particularly motivated to write, thanks to depression and having other things going on in life. But I wanted to update on some of the things I’ve done to check off on that list I made.

I’ve written in the past about not really liking New Year’s Resolutions for various reasons, so this was a list I made in August with the intention of it lasting until next August, when I ostensibly plan to move somewhere far away from Kansas. But now it’s almost the new year and I wanted to update on it.

I dyed my hair some neon color! It’s been blue for a couple months now and here’s what it looks like today: Continue reading “A Year of (re)Invention Update 1”

A Year of (re)Invention

About a month ago, I got out an old sketchbook and decided I would start keeping my notes for projects and goals and stuff in there. One page contains a list of things I want to do over the next year in order to try to be a person again. And figure out what kind of person I am, since I’ve felt less and less myself over the years.

I wanted to share it here so I can then comment on doing some of the things and have context, and to show how weird I am, I guess.

“A Year of Discovery and (re)Invention” Continue reading “A Year of (re)Invention”

Living A Borrowed Life

This has been haunting me for a long time, but it’s especially bothering me over the last few weeks so I’m finally writing about it. Content notes for relationship woes and loss of sense of self.

I moved in with my partner when I was 16, and I brought some belongings with me but went through a purge as I usually do when I’m about to move. Since I was 16, I didn’t own any furniture or appliances or dishes. I had a bed, desk, and bookshelf, but I left them at my dad’s.

I’ve been living with my partner since then. And honestly, the number of things I feel I can claim as “mine” is not much higher than it was five years ago. I noticed during this recent move that I’m pretty sure I own less than half of all the things in our apartment. Which is probably why I always feel so overwhelmed and unable to organize anything. Continue reading “Living A Borrowed Life”

Happiness Doesn’t Exist Sometimes.

CN: lots of depression

Another one of those posts where I’m not sure where to start.

I guess I just wanted to talk about how my depression is pretty much constant. There’s always that sinking, shitty feeling in my chest and stomach. Even when something makes me laugh or smile, that’s just on the surface, and inside me there’s pretty much never any true light.

Maybe this isn’t always true, but I go through spells where it is true. Right now is one of those times. Continue reading “Happiness Doesn’t Exist Sometimes.”

June 2015 Update

Just a general update post! Content notes for all kinds of depression-related stuff and trans things.

Generally been feeling like poop. I need to call my doctor’s office and get them to change my meds in some form or fashion. Prozac has been okay for me, but I think overall it’s not working. Plus it’s giving me super intense dreams/nightmares and the other med she prescribed to cancel out the dreams isn’t doing anything that I can tell.

Super dysthymic lately. I’m having a hard time doing basic things like dishes and laundry and showering. (Thus the apartment is a mess.) Which certainly means I’m not blogging or vlogging much. It’s hard to do things that involve words when you have absolutely nothing interesting to talk about! I’ve been wanting to draw as kind of a gateway back into doing art (something that used to be very important to me), because it requires like no energy, but haven’t felt it in me to do it. A weird thing to say, but the best way to express why I haven’t made anything for several years. Continue reading “June 2015 Update”