A Test of Character

Hello, everyone! Today I write to you from an empty apartment (barring the cats, of course) because my partner is out-of-state to house-sit for his mom. For two weeks.

Today is the… fourth day of me waking up and coming home to an empty apartment. It may seem weird, but the title of this post is heavily applicable because I genuinely consider this a test.  Continue reading “A Test of Character”

Things Are Hard. [Recovery/Update]

Content notices for exercise, food, health scare, mental health, financial issues, break-ups

Yeah, things are really weird right now. I have a mixture of really awesome things happening and really awful things happening, some of which I’ve been hesitant to discuss openly, since this is a public blog and it posts to my public Twitter, Facebook, G+ and Tumblr.

I guess I’ll start by telling you the good things that have been happening lately. (And then mixing in the bad because I have a hard time not doing that.) Continue reading “Things Are Hard. [Recovery/Update]”

Happiness Doesn’t Exist Sometimes.

CN: lots of depression

Another one of those posts where I’m not sure where to start.

I guess I just wanted to talk about how my depression is pretty much constant. There’s always that sinking, shitty feeling in my chest and stomach. Even when something makes me laugh or smile, that’s just on the surface, and inside me there’s pretty much never any true light.

Maybe this isn’t always true, but I go through spells where it is true. Right now is one of those times. Continue reading “Happiness Doesn’t Exist Sometimes.”


CN: depression, cancer

A long time ago, maybe a couple years at this point, I stumbled on a post about a photographer who took pictures of his wife throughout her struggle with breast cancer. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t write about it at the time, since it affected me strongly, but a search through my old posts tells me I never did.


This story popped up on my radar at about the same time I was really into comparing mental illnesses to physical illnesses to get people to understand how similar they are. I probably referred to cancer more than any other illness because of its emotional weight.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been the same after seeing that series of photos. Continue reading “Cancer”

A New Way to Battle Depression (FTB)

Signal-boosting my post on Zinnia Jones!

Normally, I’d reserve this type of post for my personal blog, but I figured if I’m feeling inclined to write, I might as well put it in a place where it might be useful to someone. My friend JT Eberhard convinced me that my way of thinking might help someone else put to words how they feel, and moreover this is actually an awesome idea for fighting mental illness and it might literally help someone with their brain weirdness. So, forgive the somewhat personal nature of the post.

Being depressed is about more than just emotions and moods. Yes, that’s a big part of depression: feeling bad all the time for no apparent reason, having disproportionate emotional responses, having a hard time enjoying things, etc. One of the most impactful struggles, however, is that your brain creates logical loopholes and selectively discards relevant information. It cripples your ability to think on a perfectly rational level.

Depression ebbs and flows for me, so some days I think more clearly than others. I take an ADD medication which helps immensely. I’ve also noticed that Ambien has an interesting effect on me. Ambien is a sleep medication that I take pretty regularly. If I don’t actually attempt to sleep within about a half hour of taking it, I find myself incredibly motivated to create things, organize my life, clean my apartment, and begin planning and working toward various goals. As you can imagine, this sometimes leads me to stay up even later, but I digress…

Read the rest of the post here!

“I Don’t Know” Isn’t Good Enough

TW: abuse

My mother has bipolar disorder of some flavor. This impacted my childhood pretty heavily, as you can imagine, since she was often noncompliant with her medication and thus tended to be out of control with her emotions. She was abusive, both physically and emotionally, in indirect and direct ways.

This is just a subtle facet of the whole issue, but I was thinking of a particular thing that happened a lot: She would ask me a question, and I would say “I don’t know.” And she would tell me that that wasn’t an answer (“‘I don’t know’ isn’t good enough.”) and demand that I actually answer her question.

By itself, that doesn’t seem super terrible. Except that, when these situations popped up, my “I don’t know” was a defense mechanism. I can’t think of any specific examples because I’ve blocked a lot of that shit out, but the thing is that she’d ask me something, and I could tell it was a loaded question. I felt fear in those moments, because I knew she wanted a specific answer from me, and if I answered incorrectly, things could go very badly. Continue reading ““I Don’t Know” Isn’t Good Enough”

FTB Blogging and Brain Stuff

Sooo, you may have heard that Zinnia Jones invited me to co-author on her blog over at Freethought Blogs. If you hadn’t heard, now you know!

At first, I was sort of flabbergasted. By “sort of” I mean that it took an entire day and a half to become accustomed to the idea before I could accept. There are probably a lot of mechanisms feeding into that, like not feeling like a trustworthy, stable person, having a lot of Impostor Syndrome, and my entire mentality surrounding how others interact with me. Which is basically that I’m totally shocked to find that people think about me when we aren’t in direct contact, confused about them liking me in the first place, and being held in high-enough regard to be invited to co-author a blog just totally blows my mind.

During this period of trying to accustom myself to the idea (and being self-negative as usual), I realized I was less excited about getting on FTB as a co-author. Obviously my thought before has been that I might be able to get this beautifully named blog on their blogroll. So it took a little while for me to actually get it in my head that, yes, I’m a blogger on FTB and it’s just as significant as if my own blog had been assimilated.

A big part of breaking through that funk was when Heina offered me her congrats on Twitter. (I can’t find the tweet to embed, blerg.) She basically said grats and mentioned that she knew it was a goal of mine. My internal response: Continue reading “FTB Blogging and Brain Stuff”