Things Are Hard. [Recovery/Update]

Content notices for exercise, food, health scare, mental health, financial issues, break-ups

Yeah, things are really weird right now. I have a mixture of really awesome things happening and really awful things happening, some of which I’ve been hesitant to discuss openly, since this is a public blog and it posts to my public Twitter, Facebook, G+ and Tumblr.

I guess I’ll start by telling you the good things that have been happening lately. (And then mixing in the bad because I have a hard time not doing that.) Continue reading “Things Are Hard. [Recovery/Update]”


An Ignorant Doctor

Content note: This is a post about birth control, sex, mild transphobia, and misgendering to the max.

So, I’m 19 (nearly 20!) and haven’t been on birth control for years. My hubby and I were using condoms for the first couple years and then that pretty much deteriorated, especially after learning cool stuff like how the pull out method is surprisingly effective.

I’ve been wanting to get an IUD for quite some time, for multiple reasons. I don’t want hormonal birth control (like the pill) because I really don’t want a body more full of femme hormones. I don’t want bigger tits and I’m scared of the dysphoria I’ve heard people experience just from having certain hormones in their bodies. I want to get one thing and then not have to deal with it again for a while, and since I don’t want kids for several years, a 5-year simple thing would be the best method. Continue reading “An Ignorant Doctor”

FTB Blogging and Brain Stuff

Sooo, you may have heard that Zinnia Jones invited me to co-author on her blog over at Freethought Blogs. If you hadn’t heard, now you know!

At first, I was sort of flabbergasted. By “sort of” I mean that it took an entire day and a half to become accustomed to the idea before I could accept. There are probably a lot of mechanisms feeding into that, like not feeling like a trustworthy, stable person, having a lot of Impostor Syndrome, and my entire mentality surrounding how others interact with me. Which is basically that I’m totally shocked to find that people think about me when we aren’t in direct contact, confused about them liking me in the first place, and being held in high-enough regard to be invited to co-author a blog just totally blows my mind.

During this period of trying to accustom myself to the idea (and being self-negative as usual), I realized I was less excited about getting on FTB as a co-author. Obviously my thought before has been that I might be able to get this beautifully named blog on their blogroll. So it took a little while for me to actually get it in my head that, yes, I’m a blogger on FTB and it’s just as significant as if my own blog had been assimilated.

A big part of breaking through that funk was when Heina offered me her congrats on Twitter. (I can’t find the tweet to embed, blerg.) She basically said grats and mentioned that she knew it was a goal of mine. My internal response: Continue reading “FTB Blogging and Brain Stuff”


I’ve been meaning to but not writing for almost two weeks. I don’t know why, but I’m feeling weird tonight. It’s one of my only times to be alone in the house (excepting the cats, of course) and when I’m alone I’m a little more poignantly aware of when I don’t feel great.

I’m just sort of.. anxious? I don’t know. There are still things I Should Be doing, lots of things I’ve been putting off for a long time.

Taking Adderall has been sort of helping my brain with organization and stuff. I haven’t been suicidal. I’ve only had a couple mysteriously Very Very Bad days, and I’ve been doing a much better job of recognizing triggers and working myself down afterward.

There’s a lot of shitty stuff going on at work right now. Mainly involving one coworker, who is now a boss, who I’ve had plenty of trouble with in the past. She has a tendency to be abusive (from constant micro-aggressions, all the way to yelling at people), to try to strong-arm people into doing what she wants, and to take her authority too far. The area manager (who is basically the in-charge person because we’re between store managers right now) is currently indisposed because his father just died. Continue reading “Blerg”

Minimizing Illnesses

Yesterday, I filled half of my prescription for Adderall (thanks in great part to some awesome people who donated). Today when I woke up is the first time I’ve taken it and it seems to be pretty awesome thus far. I’m not entirely sure if amphetamines just do things immediately or if I’m experiencing a placebo effect, but either way it’s great. Since I’m dealing with sickness and expensive medical care, I thought I’d share some thoughts on the subject.


Invisible illnesses like depression and Crohn’s are often and easily dismissed by people who don’t understand them. There’s often a “buck up” attitude that doesn’t seem to crop up as much with other, more physical or obvious ailments. Mental illness, being the thing that I deal with, seems like an incredibly meaningless medical problem compared to cancer or cardiovascular disease.

Seriously, I have a hard time forcing myself not to contrast my illness against physical ailments like strep throat, for example. It’s hard to feel like my depression is a serious thing compared to a bacterial infection.

Then I’m reading some blog and someone points out that depression is a potentially fatal illness. Which is pretty hard to swallow and deal with, even though I have suicidal thoughts fairly often. It doesn’t mesh well in my head. Point being, it’s a serious problem that I tend to try not to make a big deal out of, even while realizing that it’s a big deal. (Am I making any sense?) Continue reading “Minimizing Illnesses”

Oh my goodness, guys

So I was really hesitant to post my money-beg the other day. Growing up relatively poor instilled in me a deep discomfort with being given material things, including money. Plus the whole capitalist culture of making or breaking it by yourself, you know, all that.

But I’m desperate to feel better, so I posted with the beg anyway.

Paypal hasn’t been sending me emails (my email is the secondary one, so that’s understandable), which means I had no idea that there were donations waiting…

One of the donors said something to me about it earlier, leading me to check the Paypal site…

Where I found about $100 sitting, waiting for me to transfer to the bank. Continue reading “Oh my goodness, guys”