June 2015 Update

Just a general update post! Content notes for all kinds of depression-related stuff and trans things.

Generally been feeling like poop. I need to call my doctor’s office and get them to change my meds in some form or fashion. Prozac has been okay for me, but I think overall it’s not working. Plus it’s giving me super intense dreams/nightmares and the other med she prescribed to cancel out the dreams isn’t doing anything that I can tell.

Super dysthymic lately. I’m having a hard time doing basic things like dishes and laundry and showering. (Thus the apartment is a mess.) Which certainly means I’m not blogging or vlogging much. It’s hard to do things that involve words when you have absolutely nothing interesting to talk about! I’ve been wanting to draw as kind of a gateway back into doing art (something that used to be very important to me), because it requires like no energy, but haven’t felt it in me to do it. A weird thing to say, but the best way to express why I haven’t made anything for several years. Continue reading “June 2015 Update”

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Hormones and Transition Projects

Hey, so, I started taking testosterone! I haven’t really been blogging about it because I’ve been vlogging on my YouTube channel, but I thought I’d talk for a minute about the projects I’m doing throughout my transition.

Also I’ve been working during the day and it kind of sucks but sleeping at night has been really good for me.

Obviously I’ve been doing videos on YouTube, talking about what’s going on. I recorded the process of me giving myself a shot for the first time and that will be edited and up on my channel probably in like a week, max. I have to finish editing a video for a project I’m doing with my dad before I can settle in on that one. Continue reading “Hormones and Transition Projects”

Trans things

So I’ve decided to actually do the thing involving taking testosterone. I don’t think I’ve blogged about it, mainly because I haven’t been blogging much in general, but I have been thinking about it quite a bit. And tweeting about it occasionally.

I was going to go to the Transgender Institute in KCMO. I got a weird feeling from how some things were phrased on the website–like it was really binary-oriented and focused on training trans people to “pass”. But I figured it was the best option available.

Howeverrrr, I talked to my friend Jack about it and he said he’d been there, to see the same therapist I was scheduled to see. Apparently she’s cis and has some really rigid views about how binary people are supposed to behave, and doesn’t actually believe in non-binary people. I elect to dodge that experience.

I called a little earlier to leave a message canceling my appointment. Which is a little disappointing, but it was going to be like $150 and I’m better off not spending it there.

Jack also mentioned an informed consent clinic in Wichita. I don’t really feel like making that big of a drive, but if it gets me hormones and I don’t have to go there every couple months… I need to call, but I hate phone calls, so we’ll see how that actually goes. :p

Anyhow, I’m planning on making a video about what I’m looking forward to/scared of in regards to starting hormones. I’ve been itching to do videos for some reason. Maybe also a couple singing projects while I still sound squeaky? We’ll see.

An Ignorant Doctor

Content note: This is a post about birth control, sex, mild transphobia, and misgendering to the max.

So, I’m 19 (nearly 20!) and haven’t been on birth control for years. My hubby and I were using condoms for the first couple years and then that pretty much deteriorated, especially after learning cool stuff like how the pull out method is surprisingly effective.

I’ve been wanting to get an IUD for quite some time, for multiple reasons. I don’t want hormonal birth control (like the pill) because I really don’t want a body more full of femme hormones. I don’t want bigger tits and I’m scared of the dysphoria I’ve heard people experience just from having certain hormones in their bodies. I want to get one thing and then not have to deal with it again for a while, and since I don’t want kids for several years, a 5-year simple thing would be the best method. Continue reading “An Ignorant Doctor”

“It Doesn’t Count”

I was just imagining a hypothetical situation in which a female lust-interest who has a boyfriend might be willing to have sexy times with me without telling her boyfriend, but not with Degon. I do this a lot with random hypotheticals, which is why I made a category for it a while ago. My brain overclocks on the imagination.

Anyway, I was thinking about this and how unfair it is. It’s already an established cultural idea that penis-in-vagina sex is the only sex that “counts” as sex. There are a lot of interesting results of this, including girls having anal sex to preserve their virginity. Some might say that a lesbian who’s never had penis-in-vagina sex is still a virgin. It’s weird.

It seems to be a fairly common concept that if you’re a woman with a boyfriend, fooling around with another woman doesn’t count as cheating. Perhaps it’s because of how fetishized lesbian interactions are, and the assumption is that the boyfriend would think it’s hot anyway? 

Or maybe it’s probably just about the penis. Continue reading ““It Doesn’t Count””

My best friend is trans

A month or two ago, my bestie told me he had some gender issues. About a week later, he sent me a text that basically said “Wow, it just hit me like a truck. I’m a trans man.” His new name is Jack. All of this is pretty awesome. =]

Jack and I have been friends since.. 7th grade? Ish? Probably about seven years, now. We were friends with another person who came out as trans while we knew them and Jack didn’t handle it very well at the time. So, when I realized I had an atypical gender, I was worried I would lose his friendship. (I sort of did, for a few months.) I asked him about this after he came out to me recently and he said he had been bitter at us for coming out and taking the leap that he couldn’t. It blew my mind a little that Jack’s been aware of a gender dysphoria since way back then, but also made sense in a way.

Amusing anecdote: I used to call Jack “lady” in some contexts, like ‘Hey, lady, what’s up?’ About six months ago I stopped doing so; I would start to in a text and then delete it because it seemed off. I told Jack that story and that my spidey-sense picked up on his transness. Which he thought was funny. :p

Anyway, it’s kind of weird to be on this side of someone coming out. And having it be my best friend of seven years. Continue reading “My best friend is trans”

Blerg

I’ve been meaning to but not writing for almost two weeks. I don’t know why, but I’m feeling weird tonight. It’s one of my only times to be alone in the house (excepting the cats, of course) and when I’m alone I’m a little more poignantly aware of when I don’t feel great.

I’m just sort of.. anxious? I don’t know. There are still things I Should Be doing, lots of things I’ve been putting off for a long time.

Taking Adderall has been sort of helping my brain with organization and stuff. I haven’t been suicidal. I’ve only had a couple mysteriously Very Very Bad days, and I’ve been doing a much better job of recognizing triggers and working myself down afterward.

There’s a lot of shitty stuff going on at work right now. Mainly involving one coworker, who is now a boss, who I’ve had plenty of trouble with in the past. She has a tendency to be abusive (from constant micro-aggressions, all the way to yelling at people), to try to strong-arm people into doing what she wants, and to take her authority too far. The area manager (who is basically the in-charge person because we’re between store managers right now) is currently indisposed because his father just died. Continue reading “Blerg”