A Test of Character

Hello, everyone! Today I write to you from an empty apartment (barring the cats, of course) because my partner is out-of-state to house-sit for his mom. For two weeks.

Today is the… fourth day of me waking up and coming home to an empty apartment. It may seem weird, but the title of this post is heavily applicable because I genuinely consider this a test. 

I wanted SO badly to live by myself. Partly because I wanted space and partly because I thought the only way I could effectively work on recovery and find out what kind of person I really am would be to live by myself. And now I have a two week test period to see what happens.

I’m trying not to make any major plans (including Skype calls) that might interfere with this process, because I need it to be organic. Last night I did dishes (which I honestly feel my partner should have done before he left because the dishes are his responsibility, we have an arrangement, but WHATEVER) on a whim. I recorded a video Friday night on a whim. (Which I should really edit today.)

I’m not really pleased with the fact that I’m still not doing a very good job of getting to bed at a decent time and consequently getting to work on time. I want to actually sit down and schedule certain things about my life. I just don’t know when I’m going to feel inspired or have enough energy to do that.

I want to carefully plan a morning ritual, a home-from-work ritual, and a before-bed ritual. I need to set an alarm for when I take my sleep meds and another alarm for when I actually physically go to bed, because I know that Ambien sometimes provides that random spark of inspiration to clean the entire apartment.

Tomorrow, I’m driving to Wichita (about 3.5 hours) to revisit the clinic I went to to get my hormones last year. I’m sure they’re going to want to do bloods, but I’m primarily going so I can get my doctor’s certification letters so I can update my gender markers on shit. I need to see if I can get an oil change today, before the trip, because I’m almost 2000 miles overdue according to ship’s computer.

Anyway, this whole thing is kind of weird. It’s like… this is a test to see what kind of person I am when there isn’t someone else around to take care of the things I normally can’t do. It’s a test to see if, when given the opportunity and breathing room, I take control over my environment, clean things, rearrange things to better suit me. Will I get rid of things I don’t need, find a place for things that have no place?

This is the fourth day. The time will go quicker than I want it to, so I have to seize the opportunity to…. observe my own behaviors. And find out whether I’m a garbage human or if there’s something inside me that is still capable of recovery.

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