Doing The Right Things (And Still Being Depressed)

Content: exercise, depression, food, recovery frustration

I’m a little frustrated right now. Well, insofar as I can be frustrated, given that I’m in a depressive slump and don’t feel very much right now.

I’m finding it very annoying that I’m doing a lot more of the proactive things you’re “supposed” to do when you’re in recovery, and yet have somehow managed to end up depressed anyway. This is especially annoying because Exercising is one of the most mentioned things you’re Supposed To Do to alleviate depressive symptoms. I started a regular regiment a few weeks ago and it has been DURING THIS REGIMENT that I’ve slumped back.

There are positive and (ostensibly) exciting things happening for me right now, and I still can’t drum up the expected enthusiasm. Even though I felt that enthusiasm a few weeks ago.

This is my last week at a job that I’ve hated for years and I’m about to start a new job that will pay better and provide actual opportunities for advancement. And I’m just anxious that I haven’t gotten a call yet telling me where to actually show up on Tuesday.

I even had a hard time getting myself to go to the gym the last two days I exercised. Even though I’ve been feeling great after exercising, know that I will enjoy the feeling while I’m doing it. I guess that’s anhedonia.

I’ve finally started publishing actual game content on my gaming YouTube channel, which is a project I’ve been excited about since November. But yesterday I had to practically force myself to record Undertale, a game that seems quirky and adorable and seems to have taken the internet by storm, for my channel which, again, I’ve been really excited to work on.

And I wanted to post weekly, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to bring myself to do the edits today so I can publish it tomorrow.

I established my desk as a workspace and put limits on how much clutter I can have on its surface. I want to feel good about sitting here. But there are four dirty cups and a bowl and three forks marring my workspace. And I feel bad about it but I’m not at all motivated to Fix it.

I’ve been getting an appropriate amount of sleep, probably more than enough sleep most of the time. This is rare for me, but I’m actually having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. Seriously, this almost never happens, no matter how depressed I am.

I’m having a hard time eating again, which is infuriating. Insofar as I can be infuriated. I have coffee sitting on my desk, ready to be consumed, but I can’t bring myself to drink it, nor the instant breakfast chocolate milk that I got out of the fridge an hour and a half ago. I did manage to hork down two handfuls of cashews earlier. But I feel no motivation to eat. And I know that will make me feel worse and exacerbate my headache but I just can’t until I get a burst of energy that I can use to hork something else down.

I’m just really frustrated. I wish I could pinpoint a Reason so I can tackle it but this feels like it didn’t have a particular trigger. Unless it’s related to a fight I had with [partner] like two weeks ago. Idk. I’m annoyed. And I feel bad.


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