Things Are Hard. [Recovery/Update]

Content notices for exercise, food, health scare, mental health, financial issues, break-ups

Yeah, things are really weird right now. I have a mixture of really awesome things happening and really awful things happening, some of which I’ve been hesitant to discuss openly, since this is a public blog and it posts to my public Twitter, Facebook, G+ and Tumblr.

I guess I’ll start by telling you the good things that have been happening lately. (And then mixing in the bad because I have a hard time not doing that.)

I started an exercise regimen recently because I’ve been on testosterone for almost nine months, and I figured now is a great time to start building muscle. I’ve stuck to it for almost two weeks now and I’m really excited by the progress I’ve made. Exercising is supposed to be really important for mental health and I’m so glad I’m finally capable of doing it.

The only negative things about that are that my heart is apparently going to be the slowest to keep up, so the lengths of my runs vary because my chest starts to hurt. And I’ve been intensely stressed out so I haven’t been eating enough. I’m trying to get a lot of my calories from protein so that the little I eat can contribute to the building of muscle.

I’m getting ready to launch my gaming channel, as soon as I have the money freed up to buy the recording software I need. That’s intensely exciting. I’m also worried about the channel not going anywhere and not having enough time or energy for it, but it’s still going to happen on a semi-regular basis. My studio is set up and I’m incredibly proud of it and incredibly thankful to everyone who contributed on Indiegogo.

I’m applying for a job with the USPS and I feel pretty confident after the interview that I’m going to get the position. It’s just mail carrier, but it pays really well and since it’s a government institution I know that my transition-related healthcare will be covered by their insurance. I’m looking forward to hearing back from them.

I’ve been seeing someone lately, and they’re super kind to me. They also find me sexy as an androgynous trans person and that’s super validating. Unfortunately they’ve been really busy these last few weeks so I haven’t seen them and that’s disheartening, especially since it was one of the things making me happy and now I feel discouraged.

My transition seems to have snowballed somewhat over the last few months. When I made my six month transition video, I was feeling very discouraged at my seeming lack of progress. But lately I’ve been noticing more changes and other people are seeing those changes, as I rarely get called “ma’am” at work any more. The only annoying thing is coworkers still calling me “she” and effectively outing me to customers. I’ve experienced no harassment, but it’s invalidating and makes me very angry, especially since I put so much effort into appearing male. (I’m still genderqueer, y’all, but going for stealth is easiest for me right now.) I’m really looking forward to making the nine-month update video since I have so much to share.

On to the bad stuff:

I recently had a major health scare where I thought I might have a brain hemorrhage. I ended up going to the ER and getting a CT scan, which showed that I’m fine, but I’ve had a wicked headache on and off for about a month. And since my insurance doesn’t cover ER visits, and I’m pretty sure I’m not even covered until February, all that cost is going to fall on me. I’m still in debt from getting hormones last year and this is going to probably be thousands of dollars on top of that. I can apply for charity through the hospital and see if they’ll reduce my bill, but I’m still freaked out about it.

And this is the shitty one. The one I’ve been most hesitant to write about publicly because I think most people who read my blog know my partner.

I want to get a divorce and move into my own place, which I implied in my last post. There are a lot of reasons for this, some of which being my discomfort at having a primary partner (or any cis male partner) who identifies as straight. (And discomfort at having a “primary” partner.) Having a complicated and messy past. And ultimately just not being very happy with the dynamic as it is. We both seem to think the other is shitty, and I have had a hard time figuring out if I’m really just some terrible person who shouldn’t be in a serious relationship until I work on my own problems.

I have wanted this separation to be somewhat amicable, but it isn’t turning out that way. And this is causing me no end of stress. I feel responsible for things falling apart because I wasn’t proactive about getting a couple’s therapist. I feel responsible for things falling apart because my childhood trauma has made it incredibly difficult for me to deal with any conflicts in our marriage. My own mental health problems have caused me to be inconsistent toward my partner, have caused me to keep things to myself when they should have been talked about, and have caused me to react defensively in situations where it would have been easier to listen and talk things out.

Things are tense right now. I was hoping we could continue to be friends, thinking that perhaps we just don’t work together in a partnership dynamic. But I don’t know how plausible that is or if I even want that any more. I feel like I just didn’t try hard enough, even though I’ve struggled internally with my mixed feelings for a long time. I’ve often been confused and scared and not known what to do, but I still tried to work with myself to find a way to preserve my feelings and the relationship. I should have tried to find a good counsellor. (A scary prospect being that I’m trans and poly.)

But I also feel like fighting for the preservation of a relationship should take a backseat to fighting for my own recovery. I think these two things have been in conflict for a long time, so I want to take the time to work on my recovery.

The part about this that scares me the most is that I’ve never been on my own before. I have to buy a car, which will put me in more debt. I have to buy a bed, which will likely put me in more debt if I buy a decent mattress. I have no credit, and no adults with good credit to cosign on a vehicle for me, unless I depend on my mother-in-law/foster mom, and I don’t know how okay that is. And the car I’ve been using is my partner’s, and I might not be able to continue using it. Which will ruin my gym regimen, cause me to depend on coworkers for rides to work, and force me to uber if I do get the job in Kansas City.

I plan on using my tax return to get a car, but I have no idea when that will come through since I haven’t been able to file taxes yet. And I’m scared I won’t be able to save up enough money to get a moving van and pay for deposits at a new apartment.

Basically… things are complicated. And I’m freaked out.

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