Recovery (or lack thereof)

I’ve had a bit to drink which is apparently what it takes to get me willing to write about my brain stuff. Content notes for depression, suicidality, self-harm, probably other things.

Ugh, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. I’ve been feeling worse and worse. It feels like none of the things I’ve had problems with are getting resolved and they just keep stacking up so I’m operating under an incredible weight all the time. I have negative amounts of spoons at this point.

I need to deal with my mom but I haven’t decided what I actually want from that situation. She tried to contact me about a month ago and I would like to see my brother but don’t want her to have any negotiating power over me. I don’t want to see him badly enough to let her manipulate me in any way, shape, or form. It’s a sore, open wound that needs to be addressed but I’m not sure picking at it is preferable to bandaging it up and sewing it together later when my hands are steady.

Metaphor.

I’m interested in what a scan of my brain would show right now. Of course, I couldn’t afford to have that done for my amusement and it would probably be disheartening in any case, but I’m curious. Probably lots of degeneration and damage.

There’s basically nothing that makes me happy right now. The only thing that’s working, and that I have energy for, is distracting myself with movies or games or catching up on YouTube channels.

Although I did finally record my video on things I’m anxious about/looking forward to about Testosterone. I’ll probably transcribe it and post to Zinnia’s blog when it’s up on YouTube.

I’m pretty happy with my tattoo. It’s weird to think that I’ve recently changed something about myself in a permanent way. It’s nice to feel ownership over my life and body. I keep thinking I want to shave my head, but I don’t think I will. If nothing else, I can’t handle all the comments I’d get at work right now.

Today was the second day in a three-day weekend, so hopefully that helps some in the grand scheme of things. I should have three-day weekends for the rest of the month. A well-deserved break, I should think. The only reason I had tonight off was that I wrote a somewhat desperate note to my manager about how I’m so fucked up that I can’t even ask him properly to give me a break. He’s a good guy and he understands.

If I felt remotely good about anything, I would probably be working on the alternative employment stuff. I’ve been thinking about webcamming for like a solid year but I never actually got that going. I know a couple sites that are relatively reputable and reliable, I’ve just never been able to bring myself to follow through on the application process. If I could cam and write or make YouTube videos at home, that would be great, but it requires more spoons than I have to give. At least making the video I did this week is a starting point.

They hired someone to replace me on third shift and he’s supposed to switch with me once all his things are moved here from another state, but my main full-timer is quitting to move back to his homestate sometime next month. So I might end up stuck on third shift for longer, which I really don’t think I can take. I need to see it on the schedule that I’m going to evening shifts and I just don’t see it happening soon. Maybe my manager will pull some amazing shit to help me out, but he can only do so much. I’ll have to quit if that issue doesn’t get resolved soon, and I hate to even think about it because it’s too much.

I realized the other day that I have certain rules for myself that I follow, without really thinking about it. Like I don’t make important decisions when I’m really emotional. Which is why I’m not currently dead and haven’t moved away and gone dark. (By which I mean cut myself off from most people I know and fly completely solo.) But it also means that I can’t make any major decisions of any kind right now without corroborating my depressed feels with more sane feels. And sane feels are hard to come by nowadays.

Ugh, everything is obnoxious and complicated and I wish I could just opt out of thinking about certain things. My mind has turned against me and I can’t rely on rational thought to dispel my anxiety. Just trying to think smaller-scale and do things for myself, but.. idk. It’s hard. I don’t even have the spoons to talk to anybody one-on-one except my dad. (And obviously the person I live with.)

ughughughughugh send hugs

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