It’s Mother’s Day Again

TW: abuse, family alienation, noncompliance

Mother’s Day is a weird thing for me. I don’t pay close attention to holidays in general, since it’s just kind of not my thing. Mother’s Day is especially under the radar because I don’t talk to my mom any more. People just start posting things about it the week prior and then a bunch on the day of, so my regular internet perusing is enough to force me to pay attention to it.

It fills me with mixed emotions. Sometimes I think I miss my mom, but I’m pretty sure it’s just the idea of a mom that I’m missing. There are cool things about her, and in terms of our mutual interests we might be friends. But she’s incredibly way too unstable for me to try to be around. You can be a cool person and also be abusive, and I don’t know that anything will ever cause me to forgive her for the years of physical and psychological damage she did to me.

Sometimes it makes me sad because I know she has bipolar disorder, and since I’m more knowledgeable now, I could potentially help her. But the thing is, she knows she has that illness and she’s been on and off treatment for years. She’s often noncompliant with her medication, which just doesn’t fucking work if you have manic-depression.

I don’t really feel bad today, just find myself musing on this. If I’ve written these things before, I apologize. They’re pretty heavily repetitive thoughts, since there’s just not much more to add. Whenever I get to missing her, I think of those same few things and decide it wouldn’t be worth the risk. (Speaking of risk–I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be in any way supportive of my genderqueer identity, since she was such a fucking asshole about me being trans when I thought that was a thing. Not worth it.)

She sent me a text a month or so ago asking me to come to some family gathering. I intended to basically tell her to Fuck Off, but never got around to it and after a few days it seemed like it would be weird to text her. So I just ignored it.

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