Sooo, you may have heard that Zinnia Jones invited me to co-author on her blog over at Freethought Blogs. If you hadn’t heard, now you know!
At first, I was sort of flabbergasted. By “sort of” I mean that it took an entire day and a half to become accustomed to the idea before I could accept. There are probably a lot of mechanisms feeding into that, like not feeling like a trustworthy, stable person, having a lot of Impostor Syndrome, and my entire mentality surrounding how others interact with me. Which is basically that I’m totally shocked to find that people think about me when we aren’t in direct contact, confused about them liking me in the first place, and being held in high-enough regard to be invited to co-author a blog just totally blows my mind.
During this period of trying to accustom myself to the idea (and being self-negative as usual), I realized I was less excited about getting on FTB as a co-author. Obviously my thought before has been that I might be able to get this beautifully named blog on their blogroll. So it took a little while for me to actually get it in my head that, yes, I’m a blogger on FTB and it’s just as significant as if my own blog had been assimilated.
A big part of breaking through that funk was when Heina offered me her congrats on Twitter. (I can’t find the tweet to embed, blerg.) She basically said grats and mentioned that she knew it was a goal of mine. My internal response:
:O :O :O :O :O :O YOU’RE TOTALLY RIGHT IT WAS A GOAL OF MINE HOLY FUCK I DID A THING.
There’s also an aspect of this where I feel like I didn’t actually do a thing, since my presence on FTB is predicated by Zinnia being a totally awesome person who happens to think I’m cool enough to host my thoughts on her blog. Perhaps eventually I will stop feeling like a total impostor and be able to just be happy to be a blogger on FTB.
It actually is pretty amazing, since I started on Skepchick and being part of FTB feels like still being part of the family. I can participate in the science track at CONvergence without feeling like an outsider weirdo. Wow, writing this and thinking about it is surprisingly emotional. I feel so welcomed by the Skepchicks, and I’ve enjoyed talking to all the FTB bloggers I’ve met. I guess there was a sense of loss and emptiness associated with quitting the Skepchick stuff that I didn’t realize was happening. Being involved with either of those networks really is like being part of a family to me, something I’ve never really felt in this way. (Nor did I really consider familial ties to be particularly high on my psychological priorities list.)
In other news, I quickly weaned off of Zoloft after contacting my doctor about it. It was worsening my depressive symptoms and I was having pretty constant toxic thoughts (complete with graphic images and impulses). I had been on it for like 6-7 weeks, so all this really kicked into gear at about the time you’d expect an SSRI to start showing results. Since I had an adverse reaction to that and I didn’t like Lexapro either, she opted not to put me on another SSRI at my more recent visit. I’m just taking Ambien as needed, an antihistamine for occasional anxiety control, and Vyvanse for ADD (which is really fucking expensive, btw. After insurance “discount” and a promo card for $60 off it was $144. Jeesus). She also told me to do the whole “more sunlight and exercise” thing. And avoid potatoes and other foods that will make my blood sugar drop.
I really need to learn more about how food works. My mother-in-law has been stressing to me that I should cut back on the gluten, which is fair enough because my dad has a gluten allergy and I might develop one as well. Some people need a lot of protein in their diets? So much learning. x.x
Anyway, stuff. If you’d like to help out with medical expenses, including the upcoming cost of an IUD that my insurance probably won’t cover much of, click here or on the button to the right. <33
ALSO: I’m super happy about the Facebook changes to the gender thing. It’s pretty much super awesome.