As the title indicates, there’s going to be a lot of funk in this post. Content warning for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, issues with food and weight.
Oh, goodness. I’m not even sure where to start with this.
Well, you can probably tell by glancing around that my blog stopped receiving attention back in December. That’s when I had another dip. I’ve been pretty unhappy about my body that entire time, which has been feeding back into my incredibly unhealthy bad self-esteem in which I think I’m a terrible person.
I’m doing better about eating enough. Some days I eat a little too much, sometimes not enough, but I almost always get at least 800 calories. I haven’t started exercising to the extent that I’d like, but I have a few motivational ideas that should help with that.
I have been suicidal on and off. Mostly it comes in the form of not knowing what to do or how to get better and thinking I’ll never get better. Having those thoughts is sort of helpful in and of itself, though. The reason I say so is that the other day I thought to myself that I’m either going to start proactively getting better or give in to my suicidal thoughts, because it’s not an option any more to just be depressed and shitty all the time. If suicide isn’t genuinely an option (because it’s only an available option when I feel horribawfulbad), then there’s really only one thing to do… And that’s to actually get better.
Though, this realization didn’t come until after I did a shitty thing… The other day, I self-harmed for the first time in something like six years.
I’m okay, I promise. It was just a couple small scratches, in a place where I couldn’t have hurt myself seriously. There wasn’t much bleeding. It happened in a moment of intense emotion, and it was a method of self-punishment. I’m disappointed in myself, but grateful that the experience jarred my sensibilities enough to realize that I’ve been letting the depression run rampant.
The blog has been largely ignored because I started trying to blog about Important Things because I wanted to get picked up by Freethought Blogs, which I’m less hopeful about as time goes on. Making it work instead of something I do just for me guaranteed that it would be one of the first things to go. I’m going to try thinking of it as something I do for fun and not for work, since it’s not a reliable way to make money anyway and there are only about 20 people who read me regularly.
Anyway, not much else going on.