Blerg

I’ve been meaning to but not writing for almost two weeks. I don’t know why, but I’m feeling weird tonight. It’s one of my only times to be alone in the house (excepting the cats, of course) and when I’m alone I’m a little more poignantly aware of when I don’t feel great.

I’m just sort of.. anxious? I don’t know. There are still things I Should Be doing, lots of things I’ve been putting off for a long time.

Taking Adderall has been sort of helping my brain with organization and stuff. I haven’t been suicidal. I’ve only had a couple mysteriously Very Very Bad days, and I’ve been doing a much better job of recognizing triggers and working myself down afterward.

There’s a lot of shitty stuff going on at work right now. Mainly involving one coworker, who is now a boss, who I’ve had plenty of trouble with in the past. She has a tendency to be abusive (from constant micro-aggressions, all the way to yelling at people), to try to strong-arm people into doing what she wants, and to take her authority too far. The area manager (who is basically the in-charge person because we’re between store managers right now) is currently indisposed because his father just died.

The other Assistant Manager is currently completing her last shift on 3rd before she goes on 2nd tomorrow. She’s pretty awesome, but she’s getting fed up with the  bullshit too. I’m hoping that her position as an authority figure on equal par with the stupid assface bitchface will help. There’s a serious need for unit cohesion on 2nd shift that we’re just not going to see under a thoughtless dictator.

So I guess work stuff is probably the most triggering thing I’ve got going on right now. It seems like there’s always something: right as I start taking a medication that’s actually helping and things clear up between Degon and I, problems at work start.

I don’t want to be so sensitive to bullying and change. I still have a hard time not Shoulding myself. I Shouldn’t be so bothered by stupidface boss lady. I Should be able to manage my stress. I Should be able to finish things I start. I Should be taking the Adderall-induced focus to clean rather than typing up a Personal Post that isn’t even about anything that matters. (I recently took all my little notes for blog ideas and made them into Drafts in my WP queue.. haven’t decided if that was a massive mistake or not.)

I’m still anxious about talking to people. I don’t proactively try to get a hold of any of my close friends, and I’m too weirded out (possibly about rejection?) to try getting close to anyone else I’m sort-of-acquaintances with. Even when others are trying to penetrate my bubble, I’m mostly unresponsive. (Heh. Penetrate.)

Does anyone else’s nose really hurt sometimes when your eyes start to water? That one was a doozy.

I don’t know. I just don’t feel very good most of the time. I can manage to not be a horrible ball of sadness. I’ve been really quick to anger the last couple days, especially since I keep accidentally hurting my hands. I caught a glass I knocked over just as it was breaking, so I sliced my finger. I’ve crushed the same finger at least twice this week. I burned the back of my hand on an oven rack when I was making donuts at work. I have a paper cut ON MY CUTICLE from pulling some scratcher tickets off the roll. (No, I have no idea how I managed it.)

It just hasn’t been a very good year for me. I’ve known I had depression since six years ago, and I only just started to pay close attention in December. So this year has seemed very bad. Or maybe it just has been worse than previous years and that’s why I’m paying closer attention.

Quick TW for weight:

I’m also gaining weight right now. Like, gaining-fat-from-eating-too-many-calories-and-not-exercising-type of weight gain. I did a few yoga poses for the first time yesterday and it felt pretty great. Still, it’s not fun for me to have my body changing shape. I’m trying to ignore it for the most part.

Like, gender-related body dysphoria is an issue that I put on the back burner most of the time anyway and I’m trying to keep it from tangling with the weight-gain dysphoria. I feel like I can’t worry about gender dysphoria because I’ve already decided that someday I’ll get a mastectomy but not until after I’ve had a kid (or several?). I present femme more often than not because I know Degon likes it. I try not to wince at being constantly misgendered, and then feel like a jerk for having a problem with being misgendered because I don’t even try to be androgynous any more. (For these reasons, I almost NEVER bring up my gender identity or my preference of pronouns, even among people that I KNOW give a shit about that stuff.)

God, there are just too many things for my brain to come up with when everything is mostly fine. I Shouldn’t be so upset. I’m not even sure *that* I’m upset, except for being sort of.. eh.

How can I manage to type 850 words of a personal blahblah but not 500 words on my Bisexual/Pansexual post? Ugh.

Anyway, tonight’s a weird night. It’s nice to be alone sometimes, but I can never figure out if it’s actually a good thing or if I just think it is. I’m not really sure what else I’m going to do before meeting Degon at work in a few hours, but I think I’ll start by putting on some clothes. Maybe take a shower first.

And normally I would schedule this post to go up during the day when someone will see it, but I’m reclusive with my depression. So it’s going up now and maybe people will see it and maybe they won’t.

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