Having energy + depression

When you have depression, it kind of feels like being tired and sick all the time. It works in weird ways; I’ll be super hyper after sleeping very little (which is very rare right now) or I can be grouchy after being fairly well rested. It’s not always predictable.

Last summer, I was drinking at least a couple of Monster energy drinks every week. Especially at work. I was trying to get my sleep schedule set and I was willing to do pretty much anything to feel productive. Hence, energy drinks.

At some point I realized I was self-medicating but I was pretty much okay with it. It seemed like a justifiable means to the ends of being sane for a little while. Definitely related: Degon has told me several times that imbibing caffeine doesn’t actually give you energy, it just makes you think you have energy.

I promise there’s a flow here. </segue>

There are times when I’m fully, totally rested and have plenty of energy/eaten enough/had coffee and THEN. I start to think about the things I need to do. Sometimes it’s just one particularly overwhelming thing and other times it’s all the little things stacked up, but exhaustion hits me like a truck just trying to think about how to handle whatever it is.

When I say ‘exhaustion hits me like a truck,’ make no mistake, I mean exactly that. I’m overwhelmingly tired just thinking about doing difficult things. Which is why I haven’t called my doctor or been super aggressive about looking for a job. I’m certain that if I didn’t live with Degon, I would spend more hours than I care to count lying in bed staring at nothing.

So, taking this information

I’m under the impression that our ability to tap into our energy is partially dependent on our brain’s perception of how much energy we have. We use energy (in the form of calories) at varying rates depending on our activity level. If we’re eating enough, we should constantly have a store from which to pull. (And if we’re well rested, all that.) So if my needs are taken care of and yet I still feel low on energy it seems within reason to think that my perception of my available energy interferes with my ability to use that energy.

When you feel tired constantly, it gets difficult to pull from energy stores your brain doesn’t think you have. Which is why I maintain a healthy caffeine addiction.
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