In years past, I haven’t generally been worried about my ability to articulate ideas. In fact, when most of my blog posts go up, I don’t think for a moment that they might be hard to follow or jumbled. I’m good at communicating when I’ve got my ideas straight, and I’m usually pretty easy to understand. I can make comparisons and draw similarities between things in such a way that people pretty much get my point.
However, part of the reason I haven’t been blogging as much since February is that I often have difficulty sitting down and getting my ideas straight in writing. I can do it in my head pretty well, and I can articulate things to Degon out loud, but for some reason I’m having a lot of issues with typing out these same things. I get convinced that my thoughts are disjointed and hard to follow, and then I don’t write because I don’t want to publish something that’s hard to follow.
My friend Chris pointed out that that’s the exact reason why TS and Queereka have editors–to make sure the things that are published aren’t poorly written or hard to digest. I just haven’t felt well enough to put any ideas down.
I just wrote something which promises to be controversial if anyone reads it. I’m going to have several people look at it to make sure it makes sense.
I’ve never been this insecure about blogging before.
Maybe this is just linked to me being insecure about everything else “me” related lately, but I don’t know. It matters a bit less here on Metapeen if I want to post something that’s sort of disjointed and full of non sequiturs. My blog is my space and it doesn’t really impact anyone else if something is a bit crazy. But I also don’t want to put out content that makes me look bad, or like I don’t care.
I dunno. I’ve been feeling okay today, this is probably just related to the anxiety I feel as a result of the controversial aspect of the post I just finished writing. Plus I’ve got crazy stuff at work happening that’s making me really, really intensely anxious and I’m trying not to think about it.
Also, for some reason it fucks my brain up trying to write something while reading it on a stark-white monitor. I know the white looks all clean and everything, but why does EVERYONE pick it up? Burning out my eye sockets and making it hard to focus, while creating all kinds of little coloured dots blurring my vision. CHILL OUT GOOGLE.