"Let hard things be hard."

No, sillies, this is not a pun. Although, I can see where you got that idea, what with all the penises in the banner. It’s k.

“Let hard things be hard.” is the first main point on this page, which I’m adding to my collection of things to keep in mind while attempting to treat my depression. I wrote about how I plan to implement it here.

Today isn’t the greatest of days. I feel pretty bad for no particular reason; one of the more frustrating ones, if I could be frustrated. I printed out that bolded list from keelium, and it’s sitting on my desk because I have yet to put anything on the walls.

I was thinking about how it’s really hard, tiring, takes a lot of effort to try to get better. It takes so much of my brain power to think in the right way and to keep doing things even when I feel like I can’t. Then it occurred to me that this isn’t just going to go away, and I’ll probably be doing most of these things for the rest of my life. It overwhelmed me.

Looking at a whole lifetime of this: the crappy way I feel right now and the weight of trying and the fear of failing and the internalized blame all wrapped together; it seemed exhausting, impossible. It defeats me even thinking about it.

Then something triggered a tickly thing in my brain and I remembered a blog post I’d written before on this exact subject. So I went and read it, noting the date-stamp of January 8th, this year.

This version of me is much more confident than I am. Though, I was at the beginning of a downward slip at the time and still had some resolve in me. I’m currently neck-deep in awful that’s been going on for months, so it seems appropriate that I had an ‘it’s okay’ attitude before and a ‘this is going to kill me’ attitude now.

But man, me from six months ago was pretty inspiring. It’s been long enough that I don’t remember writing it, so it’s just an different version of me and I’m experiencing it as though I’ve never seen it before. I don’t remember writing that I was inconsistent about brushing my teeth, so it was a surprise to note that I have actually fixed one of my previous concern points: I now brush my teeth out of habit, without giving it much proactive thought. I’m also capable of doing some dishes without feeling like it will kill me.

It seems really impossibly tough right now, but previous-me was right in that all this stuff will become habit. And yeah, I might and probably will relapse and lose my resolve again at some point. I’m hoping I make a tad more progress before that time comes, and I hope I’m overall better equipped to stave it off as long as possible and handle it decently when it happens.

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