Promises and Getting Better

Any of you who keep up with my social media probably know that I haven’t been doing super awesome in the “living life normally” sense. I’m hard-pressed to go an entire day without funk of some form or another. (Although I’ve been pretty okay since getting home from CONvergence.)

This funky-feels pretty effectively affects my ability to do much around the house. It makes it hard to coherently organize my thoughts into an acceptable blog post. Building on that, it makes it hard to have any idea I’m even remotely passionate about to the point of writing. It causes me to let dishes go unwashed, laundry uncleaned. It’s been a point of contention between Degon and I because he’s had to pick up my slack.

And then recently this thing was brought to my attention for the second or third time. One of the things the writer says is “You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can’t change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do.” The author reaches me with that particular line because I often allow how crappy I feel to dictate whether or not I get up and do things. I feel “too bad” to do anything a lot of the time, so my many project ideas and household necessities, as I said, go untouched. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Degon and I were discussing this over the weekend. And it came to my attention that I have more control over my actions than my jerkbrain would allow me to believe. So I promised that I would get better. What that means to me is: I will do things around the house, even if I don’t “feel like” I can or should, and I will utilise whatever methods of self-treatment I can to improve my mental state (preferably without having to start seeing a therapist).

Which is why the timing of that blog post entering my life again is so perfect.

Let hard things be hard.
Believe in the power of ritual.
Go somewhere.
Help someone else.
Check SOMETHING off your list, no matter how small.
When all else fails, bake brownies.

The first thing I heard somewhere and kind of took to the extreme. There’s a line between letting things be hard and not berating yourself for not having an easier time, and allowing everything to be too hard. So I need to keep this in mind but not let it ruin everything like I have been doing.

The power of ritual! This is the thing that stuck out which tells me I have read this in previous months. And it’s one of the suggestions I’m taking most to heart. I’ve got a couple things I’m going to start doing regularly–like making a big deal of getting my various pills ready for the next day before bed, and brushing my teeth. Waking up, I’ll take pills, brush my teeth, and wash my face. (I don’t ever just wash my face for the sake of doing it, but I think it’s a good habit, especially considering my jaw-line pimples.) Basically trying to associate certain actions with certain things–like bed time.

Go somewhere is one I’ll have to work on–even if it’s just taking a walk to the nearby park. I’d love to play disc golf more often, but the physical activity part and the “I’m not very good at this” part keep me from wanting to go and sometimes can detract from the experience itself. This is a mental block I’ll have to work through, and I think how I’ll do it is making physical activity my ritual response to feeling bad.

Help someone else is a distraction method which I’ll have to ponder. Though I wouldn’t have to go far to find people I love who need some sticks.

Checking something off my list is something I’ve known about for a while, but it helps to have a reminder. There are plenty of things I need to do and accomplishing even one of them helps. This is a big part of why I miss WoW, it was relatively easy if time consuming to achieve incremental goals.

The brownies thing is basically just saying “do something that you’re really good at, preferably which has a physical end result.” The only thing I can really think of here is making a piece of jewelry, but that’s time-consuming and takes a lot of effort. So, it’s something I’m good at, but I’m also rusty and out of shape. (Yeah, making jewelry requires some fucking muscle. I didn’t realize until I tried to file nickel-silver with months-atrophied arms.)

So I’m trying to take some of these methods to heart. I’m trying to be nice to myself, even when I’m irrational. I’m telling Degon when I’m irrational or when I feel bad/angry. It’s all baby-steps, but I promised in no ambiguous terms to get better. I owe myself that much, and I definitely owe Degon that much. Neither of us expected things to get to where they are, but I have the power to fix things and my lovely husband to lean on when I start to fall behind.


3 thoughts on “Promises and Getting Better

  1. it would seem to me that the baking brownies thing would actually be literally making brownies. especially since brownies are chocolate and chocolate makes everything better.


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