A Look From the Outside

My brain lies to me a lot. The depression is, more often than not, the loudest thing in my head: affecting and directing everything else that goes on. This makes it very difficult to see any situation clearly, and it especially reduces my ability to see myself without the lens of severe criticism.

A couple days ago, I put myself in another perspective to try to see myself less subjectively. Well, just as subjectively, but not in a self-absorbed way. Basically I’ve imagined being a third party viewing myself from the outside. The idea is to fill in and imagine the position of someone who is a close friend, perhaps borderline romantic. Part of this is trying to understand why people fall in love with me, since sometimes I legitimately see no reason apart from intense masochism.

This experiment has yielded some interesting results!

The most simplified way to explain what happened is ‘kid hands’. I’ve been responding to my overtly negative thoughts with coddling and comfort. Sad feels are acknowledged and given space to run their course. I don’t try to force myself to feel one way or another. It’s okay to feel bad or whatever. It’s not always my fault.

My whole mindset doesn’t revolve around how horrible I am! While doing my experimental lens exchange, it seemed pretty heartbreaking that someone with my characteristics would constantly think of themselves as a terrible human being. And that they honestly hate themselves at times? Awful. Especially from the perspective of someone who loves that suffering person.

Let me just say that reading Greta Christina’s Blog, WWJTD and especially Miri’s Brute Reason have all helped me deal with my depression more objectively. I have to be skeptical of my liarliar brain but let myself feel my feels because typically there is a reason for them. If there isn’t a reason for them, it’s a little easier to rationalize it and chill out.

I must also acknowledge and be happy about my pills. When things aren’t superterribleawfulbadshitty I default to a neutral rather than depressed mode. Thank you, pills. And modern medicine. And science. And doctors.

Well, I think I’ve expended my ability to articulate things today. I haven’t blogged in over a month and it’s hard to get back in the mindset. TL;DR I don’t hate myself any more. The main goal is to get to a point where I love myself as fully and unconditionally as I do the other people in my heart. And to see other people’s intentions as not-hating-me-also.

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