Having Crushes

Goodness, I have way too many drafts right now to be writing up another post… But oh well! This one at least requires no research and little thought beyond what’s currently dominant in my mind, so it’s ezpz.

One of the bigger worries associated with having an open relationship which begins with a primary couple is that other amours will crowd out or overshadow the primary partner. It’s a point of view that I’ve acknowledged, but haven’t really thought much about.
When I’ve imagined having the flexibility of being in more than one relationship, I’ve always thought of them as Separate Things. Being with one person was being with them and while I may talk about them with one of the others, it would still be separate feelings and activities and inside jokes.
As it turns out, this is not necessarily the case!

I have a crush on one of my friends right now (I say ‘crush’ specifically because of the squeezy-chest sensations I get that are associated with those feelings). The other night at work, I was thinking about said crush and enjoying said squeezy-chest feels. It got into this crazy positive feedback loop where I would go “Mm, Crush!” and immediately be swept up in a similar emotion of “Mmm, Chris!!” and it went back and forth building on each other.
Apparently having a crush contributes positively to my primary relationship! I have all these good feelings and I don’t feel at all like having one takes away from the other. It probably goes both ways; my long-term relationship benefits from the new-ness of the crush, and the crush benefits from the deeper feelings for my primary. (And if it were to go any further, which it probably won’t, my relationship with the crush would benefit from the experience I’ve gained in my primary.)
All the possibilities! It’s so good to know that my romantic interests don’t conflict with each other in my mind. Not having the “I will be with this person and only this person forever” mentality keeps me from feeling like I need to choose between anything. I already know that I love Chris and that only the worst of circumstances would cause us to break up. (It was weird to say ‘divorce’ there, so I skipped it..)
Jesus, I need to have this conversation with him. I’ve been so close for the last several days and I just can’t quite get there. Of course, I say that on the assumption that he has never and won’t ever read this blog, which is probably a good thing. I also say that knowing that I’ve been “trying to” talk to him about it for fucking MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS.
Romantic friendships! I don’t need permission to fuck anybody, I just want to be touched and held and maybe kissed a little! I’d like to know that having a crush isn’t going to piss off my primary, but I don’t have that assurance. Maybe I’m underestimating him again. Dunno.
HAPPY CRUSH FACE TIME. I have a hard time NOT BEING AWKWARD but it’s okay. It’s probably endearing anyway, right?

2 thoughts on “Having Crushes

  1. Song lyric he quoted to me a few years ago: "And if my intentions stray, I'll wrench them away. Then I'll take my leave, and I won't even look back."So, I don't really *think* that's the case, but it's entirely possible that I'm wrong. It's also entirely possible that given the freedom to do what he wants, he would still be home with me. It's a toss-up, but I'd lean toward the staying home bit.


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