There are a lot of things stressing me out right now. In fact, I’m quite anxious as I write this, for a number of reasons that may all be better discussed in detail in their own time. To summarize: I have no idea when we’re leaving, what state our living affairs will be in, or (especially, as of late) where we will be living and what we’ll be doing after we’re finished with Ren Fest.
The details are all quite fuzzy at the moment. What is clear is this: I am anxious, and something needs to change to address it.
When I got in the car and left work some twenty minutes ago, I was very upbeat. Immediately, I started singing heartily to I Fight Dragons’ version of “Never Gonna Give You Up”. At some point in the very short drive, my mood started to wriggle around and finally sink.
#1 on the brain tonight: poly issues. I decided months ago that I have no need to be in an open relationship, that I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it if I had one, and that being monogamous with Chris is the preferable option to any other arrangement which excludes him. Tonight, I have been incessantly bombarded with feelings of remorse and unfounded anxiety. As ever, an arrangement with Chris is preferable to any other–and I am happily married and glad of the choice–but apparently there is some incredibly annoying desire or possibly a “need” to be in a more open relationship with options for various types of intimacy with others.
I find myself making comparisons to a homosexual person who marries of the opposite sex, and how tortured they must feel in such a relationship. My predicament is not only unworthy of that comparison, but is selfish in making it.
Apart from all the other reasonable causes for anxiety, this one is troublesome. More than anything, it’s indicative that my depression isn’t under as tight of control as I thought it was.
When in the throes of a depressive episode, my gender dysphoria and monogamous relationship are at the forefront of my mental admonitions. The reappearance and tenacity of these feelings (not so heavily on the gender dysphoria this time) tells me that there is something not being accounted for in my attempt at treating and living with depression. On a normal, not-depressed day, I can generally accept the conditions under which I’ve compromised these desires. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.
Since I lack an objective, outside view of myself, I intend to ask Chris today if he thinks I’m better than I was before I started antidepressants. I still struggle with amotivation, and I still experience both anxiety and depression, to a lesser extent. The amotivation has been the worst problem lately–I haven’t written for the blogs in a long time and I’ve mostly abandoned my jewellery making thanks to writer’s block.
If there’s a change to be made, now is the time. I have a check-up with my doctor tomorrow and if a change needs to be made to my medication, I need to figure that out before I go. I can’t think of a time in the last several weeks that I haven’t had some focal point that I can’t get my mind off of that makes me feel like a zombie. My body issues were consuming my attention up until a few days ago. I have to do something to drag myself out of my head and get focused on what is actually happening or needs to happen.
Today, I’ll be attempting to talk to Chris about these feelings of restlessness. (I tried last night, but since I started off by saying “I know I’ve probably already told you all this…” and at a stopping point, he said ‘I’ve heard all this stuff,’ I dropped the conversation.) I’ll be discussing with him what needs to happen around our apartment to get ready for moving. I’ll be telling him that I need to be comforted and supported because I don’t even understand why I feel the way I do.
This probably deserves its own post, but I’ll just throw it in here because it sucks:
Recently, I’ve been consumed with the idea of living in Seattle–I don’t know why. It’s a recurring desire founded on nothing. I’ve never been there and I’ve no idea what it’s like, but it’s a fantasy. I also want to work for an atheist org–AA, FFRF, and CFI (I think) have paid positions. I’m fairly certain after brief research that none of these orgs have offices beyond their central control, and that none of their bases of operation are anywhere near Seattle. So much for that fantasy.
Now, I have no vague ‘something’ to look forward to for after Ren Fest. I have absolutely no idea where we’ll be living or where I’ll be working. In addition, seeing the incredibly small number of staff on CFI’s personnel list brings to the forefront my lack of higher education and of a specific field of interest. CFI is currently looking for a web developer–for which I have no credentials or interest. How in the world would I, a then-nineteen-year-old, get a permanent position at one of these organizations? They need people with experience, not just wholehearted interest. My confidence about this future is deflated.
TL;DR: My depression may be slipping out of my control and my future is far from secure.