This phrase keeps coming out of my mouth.
I’ve been meaning to blog about jewelry.
I’ve been meaning to blog about how good I feel lately.
I’ve been meaning to make jewelry.
I’ve been meaning to systematically go through our things to eliminate excess.
I am so. done. with this phrase.
It’s been about six-and-a-half weeks since I started taking my antidepressant, which is supposedly when it begins to really take effect. It totally has.
Aside from being TOTALLY HIGH on the getting-married feels, I’ve just been feeling better in general. If I get mad, I’m still mad but I don’t crash and get super sad and tired afterwards. I don’t wake up every day feeling horrible. I don’t feel inescapably wretched and contemptuous about everything.
That’s been going on for maybe a month. Again, I was probably on the upswing from that episode anyway. Then I proposed to Chris and everything went sky-high and didn’t crash or implode.
These last couple weeks, I fell back into the pattern of waking up and spending most of my day on the computer playing games. Not necessarily because I don’t want to do anything else, but mostly because I enjoy myself and it makes me happy with minimal effort. Recently, I’ve actually started feeling guilty about spending my time in such a way.
Not that I haven’t felt guilty about this behaviour before; it’s just never gotten much further than that.
For about a week, I’ve found myself not wanting to spend two hours reading through blog posts from the previous day. I’ll play WoW for maybe an hour, find myself finishing a task, and become seized with the desire to make jewelry. (DEFINITELY more on that later.) I’ll look over at the kitchen, see that there are a ton of dishes and get up and do them. Right then. No procrastination or postponement.
The weird thing about this is that I’ve done this before; I’ve looked at the full sink and forced myself to get up and do dishes. But right now, I actually want to. Maybe it isn’t exactly that I want to do dishes out of any desire for enjoyment, but I want my apartment to be clean. I want things to get done and done right.
I’ve been meaning to clean up my desk. I’ve been meaning to find a place for all the homeless objects in the room.
And I’ve actually been doing those things, if in small increments at a time.
Everything that needs to be done is being done with a regularity that I’ve never experienced before. The catbox gets totally cleaned and the trash gets taken out every Tuesday. The dishes get done AT LEAST twice a week. I do laundry every Saturday. I find myself actively wanting to stretch and exercise (though these things are not yet occurring as often as I’d like).
I just feel good and I want to keep doing things that will make me happier, or more organized. It’s all a process; I don’t exercise three times a week yet. I don’t necessarily get a blog post done every week (though I’d like to do at least that). It’s a lot to try to manage all at once. Before, I was doing the bare minimum that needed to be done, and now I’m trying to do all the things that one should do with their time.
I’m going from a barely-functioning potato to a fully-operational human being. I feel accomplished. I feel empowered.
“I’ve been meaning to” has got to be expunged from my life. I want to start doing and living. There’s no point in wasting any more of my time ‘meaning to’ better myself.