My Name, Part 5/5: Fin

My name is officially (or, it will be Monday?) Luxander Lykou Pickel!

Lux came from two Latin words: fluxa and fluxus. One means ‘fluctuating’ and the other means ‘fleeting’ but I’m not sure which anymore. It refers to my being genderqueer, pansexual, and flexible and also refers to my mortality and how life is fleeting. Double-whammy there.

Lykou is Greek for ‘wolf’. It’s a reference to Doctor Who (Bad Wolf) BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING DORK DEAL WITH IT. I also prefer to think of myself as a Wolf rather than a Sheep because I’ve always had above-average intelligence and tend to carve out my own path instead of following the trails.

I considered this name for a while. A long while. I’ve been trying to create a name for myself since I realized I had gender issues and came out as trans. (That was over three years ago.) It’s definitely not a decision I’ve made lightly. This is going to be my name for all foreseeable future-time.

When I stumbled on this combination, it was hard to come up with anything else that compared. I really seriously considered Luxander Riddell for a few hours, but complications arose with that.

I know that the last time I wrote about this I was pretty firm about keeping my last name. It’s a compromise I made, and it’s not something I regret or am upset about. Be that as it may, Lux Riddell Pickel would be fucking terrible. (Pronunciation, if you’re confused, is ri-delle and pi-kelle. Hopefully you understand my muddled explanation.)

This name describes me with every syllable. So much of who I am can be perceived through this name, if you understand all the language and inferences.

I’ll expand on it a little bit–I’ve referred to myself many times as being ‘fluxxy’ because I’m genderqueer (I guess genderfluid would be a better descriptor, but whatevs) and fluctuate between femme/masc. Pansexual: interested in many types of bodies. Poly: interested in many bodies. I guess when I said ‘flexible’ up there, I was pointing out my skepticism. I’m very good at taking new information and changing my opinion, as well; this is why I so quickly embrace new labels that accurately describe me.

Embracing mortality is, to me, a very fundamentally important thing about being an atheist. I recognize that I’m going to die, that I only have a limited time in the universe, and that I am injurable. I’m not really upset about it. I feel like I really have something to contribute to the world, so I want to continue to live, but I’m not foolish enough to think I can somehow escape death. Unless medical technology goes waaaay ahead this next several decades.

Doctor Who is a very emotional show, that I have been very emotionally connected with for several years. If I’m ever sad, on my period, sick, any malady; watching Doctor Who makes me feel better. Also I’m a total crazy creep person for being as attracted to David Tennant as I am. It’s totally unreasonable. >:[

The new last name is also meaningful, despite my previously not wanting to take it. I would definitely not be the same person I am right now if it weren’t for Chris. He’s present in nearly everything I do, and he’s almost always on my mind. He’s a variable in every decision I make. It was very important to him that I take his name, and I’m willing to compromise.

My name change is the weirdest thing to get accustomed to in this marriage. Being married to Chris is totally normal. The ring is both a fidget distraction and something I’ll have to work around if I don’t want it scratched up. Similarly to how I speak differently because of my snake bites, handling objects in a way that doesn’t damage my ring will become totally subconscious.

It’s weird to be sitting there, playing a game or cleaning or something, and suddenly it pops into my head that my name is legally different. Definitely a bit strange. I don’t ever have to deal with someone calling me Elizabeth! My name is totally different! Of course, this also means that I have to change a BUNCH of shit on the internet and my driver’s license and work stuff and taxes and AUGH. Oh well.

One last thing, and I cannot stress this enough: No one has to stop calling me Elly. I will probably be introducing myself as Lux more often than not, depending on the context. Either of those is acceptable, and I always enjoy random nicknames as well. It’s really up to your discretion. If I don’t like something, I’ll try to tell you.


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