During my depressive episodes, I tend to become very self-absorbed and inwardly focused. When I write, it’s when I feel the shittiest and–you’ve probably seen it–it’s very emotionally charged and scattered and typically oriented around one or two ideas.
Then, when I feel better, I write about things that I have opinions on or other random stuff. I never really write about the good things happening in my life. I don’t say anything when I’m happy. So, I figured I’d share some of that stuff with you guys.
I’ve been taking my medication for nearly a month. Overall, I’ve felt much better. I think I was on the upswing anyway since the whole thing is cyclical, but I’ve still had several -bad- days. The trigger is generally something that is normal to be upset about. (“It’s not fair that I have to pay all this money to treat this disease so I can function like a normal person.”) Then it gets way more emotional than it needs to and sucks for most of a day.
Unfortunately, I’m mildly allergic either to the med itself or the yellow dye on the pills. It’s pretty negligible; I get itchy and when I scratch it looks rash-y for a few hours. I take a few anti-histamines a day and it keeps the itching away.
My relationship is going fantastically well. I’m not sure if it’s just me feeling awesome about it instead of just sort of being here, or if Chris always feels this awesome or what. More on this later. Regardless, we’re back to our former closeness and that’s partially because:
The dysphoria is sooo much more manageable now. And so are my poly slut urges. I KNEW I’d be able to handle this shit if I were stable. My agitation at my boobs is still present, but I can wear my binder when I need to. Knowing this helps, and sometimes I pick a different undergarment anyway because sometimes the binder is uncomfortable.
What can you do; it’s meant to squeeze and compress right on top of my air-suppliers.
It also forces my back straighter than I’m used to and it becomes tiresome for my muscles to maintain it. Not that I’m complaining, I should definitely have better posture anyway.
Anywho, those were the two main things that were crushing me during this last episode: dysphoria and sex urges. My libido is now mostly aimed at Chris instead of everywhere else and I’m passively irritated at the boobage. It’s still an option to have a mastectomy later, I’m just collecting data for now.
I still find it difficult to do motivated things, but I’m working on it. I realize that a big part of it is having rational knowledge about what will make me feel better and perspective on what needs to get done. Reading Greta Christina’s grief blog and other recent comments about mental illness and depression has been very inspirational and instructive for me.
I plan on making or printing out things to put on the wall behind my monitor. Stuff that inspires me, makes me happy, or puts things in perspective. So far: Chibi drawing of me by Chris, one of my own pencil drawings, Music = Life thing, yellow equal sign, some Murloc stickers, an MCR thing, and the Skepticon Calendar.
Whee, life isn’t totally horrible!