Thoughts About Mastectomies

Figured since this has been on my mind all night, I may as well establish my thoughts by writing them and sharing them with all you crazy people who think my blog is interesting.

In short, I have been thinking about my boobs a lot. I look down at them when I’m in a sports bra, or the rare times I put on a regular bra, and especially when I’m wearing my binder. Basically, I’m trying to gauge at all sorts of different times how I feel about them there or not there. I’m not writing it down, but if a trend begins, I’ll start to think in terms of ‘Gaaah, I’m always so freakin’ _____ about my boobs!’

‘Cause that’s how my brain works. If it’s consistent for a day or two, it becomes ‘always’. Hurray for living completely in the moment?

Anyway, I’m heavily weighing the pros and cons of keeping them for the rest of my life, or eventually getting them removed. I have to bear in mind that my level of depression factors into my dysphoria. Typically, the more depressed I am, the more likely I am to notice and become distressed by my dysphoria. On more stable days, I can more easily perceive my actual levels of dysphoria in terms of daily comfort and interaction.

By the way, I’m not going to explain ‘dysphoria’. If you don’t know what it is, Google is your friend.

From observation, I can firmly say that I am NOT comfortable with wearing push-up bras, or basically any feminine bra that boosts. I do not like them being emphasized. I do not like wearing shirts that accentuate or are designed around breasts.

I’m almost always comfortable in a sports bra. They’re easily ignored, and don’t stick out like they’re crazy people. I will wear more form-fitting, feminine clothes in sports bras. Typically, when I wear femme clothes, I go with higher top-lines, or at least the ones with a curve and not a V. Idk why, but the V seems like it’s even more about the boooooobs. Also V/low-neck shirts don’t usually look great with a higher sports bra.

My most common outfit is a pair of shorts and a sports bra. It’s the closest to shirtless I can get without being lewd. I’m comfortable being around people and going outside. The sports bra is the best way to describe how I feel about my boobs right now: acknowledging and tolerating them there, but not bothering to emphasize or particularly respect them. (Weird thing to say, I guess, but that’s how my brain works.)

It’s hard to say exactly, when I’m wearing my binder. I find the situation more difficult to ignore because the binder itself is a little uncomfortable, especially after several hours of wearing it. I only wear it when I’m leaving the house for something, and even then it’s not that often, for several reasons. I look down to adjust it a lot, and because I sometimes wonder exactly how effective it is at flattening.

Beside the physical discomfort, I’d say I’m most emotionally comfortable when wearing my binder. The other day, I wore a femmy top with a low-ish curved neckline with skinny jeans and my binder. It was a great combination. You could see the binder on the top of the shirt, and since the shirt is a bit form-fit, you could see the flattened but still-present boobs. Definitely an obvious outside-binary presentation, despite my attire and long hair.

I think that if I had them removed, I would be more likely to wear tighter clothes. As it is, I generally wear really loose guy-shorts (which I will keep doing anyway, or I’ll purchase looser other pants), and baggie shirts. I don’t like my form being obvious to others, because it’s not possible to completely eliminate the obvious presence of my boobs, or the heavily-female secondary sex characteristics. Taking away the boobs would permanently and completely alter my body to closer match my identity–by being outside the binary. I’d wear tight clothes just to make that shit obvious! And because I actually like form-fitting clothes.

On the other hand, it would be a permanent change to my body. I’m going to spend YEARS collecting brain-data and paying attention to how I feel about them, because sometimes I’m fine with them there. I guess sometimes I like them there, specifically because they’re still sensitive. They aren’t small enough to just drain them, I’ll have to be reshaped, and that’ll likely mean the partial severing of my nipple nerves.

They are MINE, despite my sometimes-harsh feelings about them. It would be weird for a long time to have them taken away, just because I’m so used to them there.

But, man, to be able to walk around all the time with my strange gender out there for the world to see? To be able to wear whatever clothes I like without the anxiety about how obvious they’re making my breasts? To walk around shirtless without feeling awkward or disrespectful of others’ boundaries, even with my probably-ghastly scars?

I have to factor in that I will probably also be sacrificing a not-to-be-overlooked loss of sexual interest from my partner. This one thing is a big enough weight on the ‘Don’t Do It’ side, that it may eventually tip the scales.

I will be spending a looooong time considering this, and I may swing back and forth on this issue. However, right now I’d start saving and make it happen if I were to just make the decision. Years of observation and talking to C and experimenting will eventually help me decide, officially, whether or not to keep them.

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