Oneirophobia

CN: rape, nightmares

Years ago, I had nightmares. A lot. Anytime I remembered having dreams, they were nightmares. They were actually the reason I decided I needed to be in therapy or something.

I used to stay up as late as I possibly could, a) so that I could fall asleep almost immediately and b) to avoid the possibility of having those nightmares. I really didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want to dream that much.

Oneirophobia: the fear of dreaming. I actually looked up a list of phobias to find this word, and now it’s branded into my skull.

Sometimes it takes a little bit of being awake before you remember a dream you were having when you woke. Last night, I had a dream that is border-line nightmarish.

I was in a hotel with several other kids. I was a teen or something in this dream. The only character among this group that I remember very well was a little girl, maybe seven or eight. (This is a running theme with my nightmares, and probably is indicative of my many childhood problems.)

We were literally running from/trying to escape a group of men who wanted to rape us. Seriously. That was the driving conflict of the dream. A group of kids as young as four, up to teenagers, running away from a bunch of construction-type guys who wanted to rape us.

What the fuck, brain?

Seriously, where does this shit come from? I guess I have been discussing rape more than I usually do, but not child rape. Not a little girl. I wasn’t raped as a child, so it’s not a reflection of a past experience. Actually, I’m one of the fortunate females to have not experienced rape or molestation. The times I’ve been harassed aren’t even that bad.

This dream wasn’t exactly scary, per se. It was just disturbing. It was one of those dreams that gets your adrenaline going and your heart racing because you’re trying to escape. It’s more an ‘action’ than a ‘horror’.

I’m not nearly as upset by this as I would have been several years ago, but it’s still not pleasant.

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