Finally getting off night shift!!!

Aaahhhhh, I’m so happy about this!

I asked my manager way back in January if I could switch to evening/day shift and it’s finally happening!!!

I just counted how many more times I have to work overnight and it’s only 6!

I’m so looking forward to being able to sleep like a normal person again. I’ll be able to tell if I haven’t been sleeping well because of depression or because it’s daytime and my body is like wtf are you doing. Over the last few years I’ve learned that you never actually adjust to that schedule. Or, at least, I never adjusted. Continue reading “Finally getting off night shift!!!”


CN: depression, cancer

A long time ago, maybe a couple years at this point, I stumbled on a post about a photographer who took pictures of his wife throughout her struggle with breast cancer. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t write about it at the time, since it affected me strongly, but a search through my old posts tells me I never did.


This story popped up on my radar at about the same time I was really into comparing mental illnesses to physical illnesses to get people to understand how similar they are. I probably referred to cancer more than any other illness because of its emotional weight.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been the same after seeing that series of photos. Continue reading “Cancer”

Recovery (or lack thereof)

I’ve had a bit to drink which is apparently what it takes to get me willing to write about my brain stuff. Content notes for depression, suicidality, self-harm, probably other things.

Ugh, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. I’ve been feeling worse and worse. It feels like none of the things I’ve had problems with are getting resolved and they just keep stacking up so I’m operating under an incredible weight all the time. I have negative amounts of spoons at this point.

I need to deal with my mom but I haven’t decided what I actually want from that situation. She tried to contact me about a month ago and I would like to see my brother but don’t want her to have any negotiating power over me. I don’t want to see him badly enough to let her manipulate me in any way, shape, or form. It’s a sore, open wound that needs to be addressed but I’m not sure picking at it is preferable to bandaging it up and sewing it together later when my hands are steady.

Metaphor. Continue reading “Recovery (or lack thereof)”

Trans things

So I’ve decided to actually do the thing involving taking testosterone. I don’t think I’ve blogged about it, mainly because I haven’t been blogging much in general, but I have been thinking about it quite a bit. And tweeting about it occasionally.

I was going to go to the Transgender Institute in KCMO. I got a weird feeling from how some things were phrased on the website–like it was really binary-oriented and focused on training trans people to “pass”. But I figured it was the best option available.

Howeverrrr, I talked to my friend Jack about it and he said he’d been there, to see the same therapist I was scheduled to see. Apparently she’s cis and has some really rigid views about how binary people are supposed to behave, and doesn’t actually believe in non-binary people. I elect to dodge that experience.

I called a little earlier to leave a message canceling my appointment. Which is a little disappointing, but it was going to be like $150 and I’m better off not spending it there.

Jack also mentioned an informed consent clinic in Wichita. I don’t really feel like making that big of a drive, but if it gets me hormones and I don’t have to go there every couple months… I need to call, but I hate phone calls, so we’ll see how that actually goes. :p

Anyhow, I’m planning on making a video about what I’m looking forward to/scared of in regards to starting hormones. I’ve been itching to do videos for some reason. Maybe also a couple singing projects while I still sound squeaky? We’ll see.

Back in Town

Positive post with content notes: sleep, food, anxiety, racism re: Mike Brown

Wheeee! It was so nice to sleep in my own bed today, and in a room that was ACTUALLY DARK. HOLY FUCK. My hotel window was westward-facing, which was just **terrific** for sleeping in the evening. The curtains were thick, but nothing stops the light from peeking under and above them. However, the pillows were down and while I’m against that ethically, there’s no denying how amazingly comfortable it was.

So, the purpose of my trip was to teach the third shift people how to use our registers and generally inform them of company policy on things. Which means that I didn’t have to do any shift duties, although they did have me make labels for some of the product in the store one night. (I love being given responsibilities, it makes me feel so boss.) Continue reading “Back in Town”

Leaving Today!

So, yeah, I’m gonna go to sleep here soon and then wake up in about six hours so I can drive an hour and a half to the new store! And then after I work eight hours I get to drive to a hotel 30 miles north of the store and that’ll be where I’m staying for the next ten days. Wooo! I guess.

I had an amazing day today for oxytocin-related reasons that I won’t get into. :p

I really should be getting my shit together right now but I think I’m trying to put off going to sleep because this is my last chance to just.. be here in my apartment at my computer. For a week and a half. Ugh. I’m gonna miss my kitties. x.x

But! It’ll hopefully be relatively nice/fun/not shitty. I’m hoping I give myself some time to just like.. chill and work on crocheting or knitting or something. I think I’m sharing a room, so that’ll be kinda weird/interesting. I like the woman I’ll be rooming with, but she’ll be asleep when I get to the hotel from work and then I’ll be asleep before she leaves, but w/e.

Wish me luck!

Started Therapy!

Yeah! So, my therapist was late (he forgot he had a 9am on Monday morning; I’m willing to forgive this). However! He seems to be pretty good at his job, and I like talking to him. One session is hardly everything, but I did feel better afterward.

I mean, I cried kinda hard on-and-off for a few hours, but that was mostly just processing things and having emotional build-up from the last several weeks/months/years.

I’m tired and don’t have the spoons to go on about therapy stuff at the mo’. Not sure why I’m choosing to write when I don’t have the brainspace to really write, but whaaaatever. TL;DR: I’m looking forward to making progress.

We’re very abruptly taking over the new store next week, so starting Wednesday I’m going to be out of town for ten days straight. x.x Thankfully I have two nights off beforehand, and will have two nights off after. Sort of a buffer. Still though, ten-day stretches are never fun. I’LL MAKE IT, IT’LL BE FINE.