Doing The Right Things (And Still Being Depressed)

Content: exercise, depression, food, recovery frustration

I’m a little frustrated right now. Well, insofar as I can be frustrated, given that I’m in a depressive slump and don’t feel very much right now.

I’m finding it very annoying that I’m doing a lot more of the proactive things you’re “supposed” to do when you’re in recovery, and yet have somehow managed to end up depressed anyway. This is especially annoying because Exercising is one of the most mentioned things you’re Supposed To Do to alleviate depressive symptoms. I started a regular regiment a few weeks ago and it has been DURING THIS REGIMENT that I’ve slumped back. Continue reading “Doing The Right Things (And Still Being Depressed)”

Things Are Hard. [Recovery/Update]

Content notices for exercise, food, health scare, mental health, financial issues, break-ups

Yeah, things are really weird right now. I have a mixture of really awesome things happening and really awful things happening, some of which I’ve been hesitant to discuss openly, since this is a public blog and it posts to my public Twitter, Facebook, G+ and Tumblr.

I guess I’ll start by telling you the good things that have been happening lately. (And then mixing in the bad because I have a hard time not doing that.) Continue reading “Things Are Hard. [Recovery/Update]”

Weird Feels About Moving

So, I’ve ostensibly had plans to move to Seattle for a while now. It’s a romanticized idea that I’ve had since I was little, but now I’m an adult and I can see the more pragmatic aspects of what it means to move across the country to a big city where I don’t know anyone.

And honestly, it’s been freaking me out. The more I look into what it costs to live there, or how far away from the city I’d have to live to have affordable rent, or think about how I would have to fly out to go to my favorite conventions.. The more it freaks me out. Continue reading “Weird Feels About Moving”

A Year of (re)Invention Update 1

Hey all! It’s been a while since I posted because I just haven’t felt particularly motivated to write, thanks to depression and having other things going on in life. But I wanted to update on some of the things I’ve done to check off on that list I made.

I’ve written in the past about not really liking New Year’s Resolutions for various reasons, so this was a list I made in August with the intention of it lasting until next August, when I ostensibly plan to move somewhere far away from Kansas. But now it’s almost the new year and I wanted to update on it.

I dyed my hair some neon color! It’s been blue for a couple months now and here’s what it looks like today: Continue reading “A Year of (re)Invention Update 1”

A Year of (re)Invention

About a month ago, I got out an old sketchbook and decided I would start keeping my notes for projects and goals and stuff in there. One page contains a list of things I want to do over the next year in order to try to be a person again. And figure out what kind of person I am, since I’ve felt less and less myself over the years.

I wanted to share it here so I can then comment on doing some of the things and have context, and to show how weird I am, I guess.

“A Year of Discovery and (re)Invention” Continue reading “A Year of (re)Invention”

Living A Borrowed Life

This has been haunting me for a long time, but it’s especially bothering me over the last few weeks so I’m finally writing about it. Content notes for relationship woes and loss of sense of self.

I moved in with my partner when I was 16, and I brought some belongings with me but went through a purge as I usually do when I’m about to move. Since I was 16, I didn’t own any furniture or appliances or dishes. I had a bed, desk, and bookshelf, but I left them at my dad’s.

I’ve been living with my partner since then. And honestly, the number of things I feel I can claim as “mine” is not much higher than it was five years ago. I noticed during this recent move that I’m pretty sure I own less than half of all the things in our apartment. Which is probably why I always feel so overwhelmed and unable to organize anything. Continue reading “Living A Borrowed Life”

Happiness Doesn’t Exist Sometimes.

CN: lots of depression

Another one of those posts where I’m not sure where to start.

I guess I just wanted to talk about how my depression is pretty much constant. There’s always that sinking, shitty feeling in my chest and stomach. Even when something makes me laugh or smile, that’s just on the surface, and inside me there’s pretty much never any true light.

Maybe this isn’t always true, but I go through spells where it is true. Right now is one of those times. Continue reading “Happiness Doesn’t Exist Sometimes.”