June 2015 Update

Just a general update post! Content notes for all kinds of depression-related stuff and trans things.

Generally been feeling like poop. I need to call my doctor’s office and get them to change my meds in some form or fashion. Prozac has been okay for me, but I think overall it’s not working. Plus it’s giving me super intense dreams/nightmares and the other med she prescribed to cancel out the dreams isn’t doing anything that I can tell.

Super dysthymic lately. I’m having a hard time doing basic things like dishes and laundry and showering. (Thus the apartment is a mess.) Which certainly means I’m not blogging or vlogging much. It’s hard to do things that involve words when you have absolutely nothing interesting to talk about! I’ve been wanting to draw as kind of a gateway back into doing art (something that used to be very important to me), because it requires like no energy, but haven’t felt it in me to do it. A weird thing to say, but the best way to express why I haven’t made anything for several years. Continue reading “June 2015 Update”

Changes in meds, puberty

Just posting an update on what’s new with my recovery!

My doctor just increased my Prozac intake from 10mg/day to 20mg. I’m hoping this goes well, because I’ve had some seriously bad reactions to SSRIs in the past. Prozac causes intensely vivid dreams and that’s been an issue for me, so she also prescribed me prazosin. It’s a blood pressure medication that’s often used to diminish nightmares.

I’ve more or less stopped taking Vyvanse because I couldn’t eat!

Puberty is weird!!! I’m so hungry all the time! And my clit is so sensitive! Ugh!

I haven’t been feeling great, but I’m working on it. I need to form good habits with working out and generally need to do sleep management with rigid precision.

Hormones and Transition Projects

Hey, so, I started taking testosterone! I haven’t really been blogging about it because I’ve been vlogging on my YouTube channel, but I thought I’d talk for a minute about the projects I’m doing throughout my transition.

Also I’ve been working during the day and it kind of sucks but sleeping at night has been really good for me.

Obviously I’ve been doing videos on YouTube, talking about what’s going on. I recorded the process of me giving myself a shot for the first time and that will be edited and up on my channel probably in like a week, max. I have to finish editing a video for a project I’m doing with my dad before I can settle in on that one. Continue reading “Hormones and Transition Projects”

Finally getting off night shift!!!

Aaahhhhh, I’m so happy about this!

I asked my manager way back in January if I could switch to evening/day shift and it’s finally happening!!!

I just counted how many more times I have to work overnight and it’s only 6!

I’m so looking forward to being able to sleep like a normal person again. I’ll be able to tell if I haven’t been sleeping well because of depression or because it’s daytime and my body is like wtf are you doing. Over the last few years I’ve learned that you never actually adjust to that schedule. Or, at least, I never adjusted. Continue reading “Finally getting off night shift!!!”

Cancer

CN: depression, cancer

A long time ago, maybe a couple years at this point, I stumbled on a post about a photographer who took pictures of his wife throughout her struggle with breast cancer. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t write about it at the time, since it affected me strongly, but a search through my old posts tells me I never did.

03-BiOWnec

This story popped up on my radar at about the same time I was really into comparing mental illnesses to physical illnesses to get people to understand how similar they are. I probably referred to cancer more than any other illness because of its emotional weight.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been the same after seeing that series of photos. Continue reading “Cancer”

Recovery (or lack thereof)

I’ve had a bit to drink which is apparently what it takes to get me willing to write about my brain stuff. Content notes for depression, suicidality, self-harm, probably other things.

Ugh, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. I’ve been feeling worse and worse. It feels like none of the things I’ve had problems with are getting resolved and they just keep stacking up so I’m operating under an incredible weight all the time. I have negative amounts of spoons at this point.

I need to deal with my mom but I haven’t decided what I actually want from that situation. She tried to contact me about a month ago and I would like to see my brother but don’t want her to have any negotiating power over me. I don’t want to see him badly enough to let her manipulate me in any way, shape, or form. It’s a sore, open wound that needs to be addressed but I’m not sure picking at it is preferable to bandaging it up and sewing it together later when my hands are steady.

Metaphor. Continue reading “Recovery (or lack thereof)”

Trans things

So I’ve decided to actually do the thing involving taking testosterone. I don’t think I’ve blogged about it, mainly because I haven’t been blogging much in general, but I have been thinking about it quite a bit. And tweeting about it occasionally.

I was going to go to the Transgender Institute in KCMO. I got a weird feeling from how some things were phrased on the website–like it was really binary-oriented and focused on training trans people to “pass”. But I figured it was the best option available.

Howeverrrr, I talked to my friend Jack about it and he said he’d been there, to see the same therapist I was scheduled to see. Apparently she’s cis and has some really rigid views about how binary people are supposed to behave, and doesn’t actually believe in non-binary people. I elect to dodge that experience.

I called a little earlier to leave a message canceling my appointment. Which is a little disappointing, but it was going to be like $150 and I’m better off not spending it there.

Jack also mentioned an informed consent clinic in Wichita. I don’t really feel like making that big of a drive, but if it gets me hormones and I don’t have to go there every couple months… I need to call, but I hate phone calls, so we’ll see how that actually goes. :p

Anyhow, I’m planning on making a video about what I’m looking forward to/scared of in regards to starting hormones. I’ve been itching to do videos for some reason. Maybe also a couple singing projects while I still sound squeaky? We’ll see.