Changes in meds, puberty

Just posting an update on what’s new with my recovery!

My doctor just increased my Prozac intake from 10mg/day to 20mg. I’m hoping this goes well, because I’ve had some seriously bad reactions to SSRIs in the past. Prozac causes intensely vivid dreams and that’s been an issue for me, so she also prescribed me prazosin. It’s a blood pressure medication that’s often used to diminish nightmares.

I’ve more or less stopped taking Vyvanse because I couldn’t eat!

Puberty is weird!!! I’m so hungry all the time! And my clit is so sensitive! Ugh!

I haven’t been feeling great, but I’m working on it. I need to form good habits with working out and generally need to do sleep management with rigid precision.

Hormones and Transition Projects

Hey, so, I started taking testosterone! I haven’t really been blogging about it because I’ve been vlogging on my YouTube channel, but I thought I’d talk for a minute about the projects I’m doing throughout my transition.

Also I’ve been working during the day and it kind of sucks but sleeping at night has been really good for me.

Obviously I’ve been doing videos on YouTube, talking about what’s going on. I recorded the process of me giving myself a shot for the first time and that will be edited and up on my channel probably in like a week, max. I have to finish editing a video for a project I’m doing with my dad before I can settle in on that one. Continue reading “Hormones and Transition Projects”

Finally getting off night shift!!!

Aaahhhhh, I’m so happy about this!

I asked my manager way back in January if I could switch to evening/day shift and it’s finally happening!!!

I just counted how many more times I have to work overnight and it’s only 6!

I’m so looking forward to being able to sleep like a normal person again. I’ll be able to tell if I haven’t been sleeping well because of depression or because it’s daytime and my body is like wtf are you doing. Over the last few years I’ve learned that you never actually adjust to that schedule. Or, at least, I never adjusted. Continue reading “Finally getting off night shift!!!”

Cancer

CN: depression, cancer

A long time ago, maybe a couple years at this point, I stumbled on a post about a photographer who took pictures of his wife throughout her struggle with breast cancer. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t write about it at the time, since it affected me strongly, but a search through my old posts tells me I never did.

03-BiOWnec

This story popped up on my radar at about the same time I was really into comparing mental illnesses to physical illnesses to get people to understand how similar they are. I probably referred to cancer more than any other illness because of its emotional weight.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been the same after seeing that series of photos. Continue reading “Cancer”

Recovery (or lack thereof)

I’ve had a bit to drink which is apparently what it takes to get me willing to write about my brain stuff. Content notes for depression, suicidality, self-harm, probably other things.

Ugh, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. I’ve been feeling worse and worse. It feels like none of the things I’ve had problems with are getting resolved and they just keep stacking up so I’m operating under an incredible weight all the time. I have negative amounts of spoons at this point.

I need to deal with my mom but I haven’t decided what I actually want from that situation. She tried to contact me about a month ago and I would like to see my brother but don’t want her to have any negotiating power over me. I don’t want to see him badly enough to let her manipulate me in any way, shape, or form. It’s a sore, open wound that needs to be addressed but I’m not sure picking at it is preferable to bandaging it up and sewing it together later when my hands are steady.

Metaphor. Continue reading “Recovery (or lack thereof)”

Trans things

So I’ve decided to actually do the thing involving taking testosterone. I don’t think I’ve blogged about it, mainly because I haven’t been blogging much in general, but I have been thinking about it quite a bit. And tweeting about it occasionally.

I was going to go to the Transgender Institute in KCMO. I got a weird feeling from how some things were phrased on the website–like it was really binary-oriented and focused on training trans people to “pass”. But I figured it was the best option available.

Howeverrrr, I talked to my friend Jack about it and he said he’d been there, to see the same therapist I was scheduled to see. Apparently she’s cis and has some really rigid views about how binary people are supposed to behave, and doesn’t actually believe in non-binary people. I elect to dodge that experience.

I called a little earlier to leave a message canceling my appointment. Which is a little disappointing, but it was going to be like $150 and I’m better off not spending it there.

Jack also mentioned an informed consent clinic in Wichita. I don’t really feel like making that big of a drive, but if it gets me hormones and I don’t have to go there every couple months… I need to call, but I hate phone calls, so we’ll see how that actually goes. :p

Anyhow, I’m planning on making a video about what I’m looking forward to/scared of in regards to starting hormones. I’ve been itching to do videos for some reason. Maybe also a couple singing projects while I still sound squeaky? We’ll see.

Back in Town

Positive post with content notes: sleep, food, anxiety, racism re: Mike Brown

Wheeee! It was so nice to sleep in my own bed today, and in a room that was ACTUALLY DARK. HOLY FUCK. My hotel window was westward-facing, which was just **terrific** for sleeping in the evening. The curtains were thick, but nothing stops the light from peeking under and above them. However, the pillows were down and while I’m against that ethically, there’s no denying how amazingly comfortable it was.

So, the purpose of my trip was to teach the third shift people how to use our registers and generally inform them of company policy on things. Which means that I didn’t have to do any shift duties, although they did have me make labels for some of the product in the store one night. (I love being given responsibilities, it makes me feel so boss.) Continue reading “Back in Town”