TW: abuse, family alienation, noncompliance
Mother’s Day is a weird thing for me. I don’t pay close attention to holidays in general, since it’s just kind of not my thing. Mother’s Day is especially under the radar because I don’t talk to my mom any more. People just start posting things about it the week prior and then a bunch on the day of, so my regular internet perusing is enough to force me to pay attention to it.
It fills me with mixed emotions. Sometimes I think I miss my mom, but I’m pretty sure it’s just the idea of a mom that I’m missing. There are cool things about her, and in terms of our mutual interests we might be friends. But she’s incredibly way too unstable for me to try to be around. You can be a cool person and also be abusive, and I don’t know that anything will ever cause me to forgive her for the years of physical and psychological damage she did to me.
Sometimes it makes me sad because I know she has bipolar disorder, and since I’m more knowledgeable now, I could potentially help her. But the thing is, she knows she has that illness and she’s been on and off treatment for years. She’s often noncompliant with her medication, which just doesn’t fucking work if you have manic-depression.
I don’t really feel bad today, just find myself musing on this. If I’ve written these things before, I apologize. They’re pretty heavily repetitive thoughts, since there’s just not much more to add. Whenever I get to missing her, I think of those same few things and decide it wouldn’t be worth the risk. (Speaking of risk–I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be in any way supportive of my genderqueer identity, since she was such a fucking asshole about me being trans when I thought that was a thing. Not worth it.)
She sent me a text a month or so ago asking me to come to some family gathering. I intended to basically tell her to Fuck Off, but never got around to it and after a few days it seemed like it would be weird to text her. So I just ignored it.
For a teensy bit of background information, my husband and I started out as a monogamous couple and decided to open our relationship in December. :D :D :D
So, hubby has branched out a little bit with the poly stuff, but I haven’t had anyone I’ve been particularly interested in (within a reasonable proximity to my location). UP UNTIL PRETTY RECENTLY.
One of our guy friends hangs out with us fairly often. There aren’t a lot of people that we enjoy being around in person all the time, so it’s pretty cool that we all like each others’ company so much. There’s lots of anti-capitalism and religion bashing in our conversations, which is usually fun. XD
I get “aw you’re so cute” sentiments relatively easily, and that started a couple weeks ago with this friend. Finally, I decided it would be fun to see if we could play, so I asked the Degon what he thought, and he was cool with it. Funny story: The day after I started planning my proposition to said friend, he brought up that he wanted to ask a “favor” of me, which I found out a couple days later was just HIM PROPOSITIONING ME, WHABAMM. Continue reading
Goodness, it’s been a while since I posted. Sorry about that. I started a post covering some thoughts on being two-decades-old but apparently never finished it. Whoops.
Anyhow, there’s this group at KU called The Society of Open-Minded Atheists & Agnostics (SOMA) and they put on this con called ReasonFest, which was this past weekend. It was a really good show, though I wish there’d been more people in attendance. There was a debate between Dan Barker and a baptist pastor and I expected more of the pastor’s flock to be there. I’m actually not certain anybody from his church came, so there wasn’t the swell that usually accompanies the debate.
The main theme for the weekend was Joy. JT talked on Friday night about how atheists and secularists find joy in life. Lyz Liddell from the SSA talked about reframing the way we view the fight (sort of as a way to prevent burnout–giving the good things the attention they deserve). The interfaith panel was kinda boring but in the ways you expect “interfaith” to work; nobody wants to step on anyone’s toes. Ed Brayton talked about the harm Christians actively do in our communities today. Darrel Ray tackled the question of whether Jesus masturbated. (There were a couple other talks that I didn’t see because I had to sleep for a bit Saturday morning.) Continue reading
I’m not a giant fan of Tumblr for a number of reasons, but I figured I’d start one up so I have a more casual setting to share stuff in. Mostly it will just be blog posts from here put over there for more traffic and accessibility, but I’ll probably also begin using it for random selfies and NSFW stuff. Or anything that’s not dignified enough to go on my blog, not that this is the most dignified space on the internet.
Hah, anyway, you can follow me over on Tumblr if you like.
My threshold for dealing with other people’s bullshit has been pretty high for many years. Honestly, I think part of it is the typical socially-ingrained things we teach females about not making a fuss when people make us uncomfortable or are rude to us in some way. My entire life has been spent minimizing my negative impact on others while attempting to deflect the negative impact others have on me. And lately, I’m just fucking tired of it.
The thing which spurred me to actually put these thoughts into words was this photo that the Facebook page Word Porn shared:
I’m so fucking sick and tired of being ON THE INTERNET and seeing things like this which are shaming me for being on the internet. There are a lot of reasons why I spend more time staring at a screen than drinking wine, tongue kissing, and dancing. For one thing, I’m not old enough to legally drink and I only like to drink socially so I pretty much can’t. I have one partner with a low libido and I don’t really like dancing or being outside in the winter. Continue reading
So, as usual, the reason I haven’t been posting is some mixture of being sad and having a lot on my mind and feeling bad and having no motivation.
BUT HEY I figured I’d throw a personal post up since the Important Big Stuff can go on the FTB one.
I’m really looking forward to my birthday. I have no plans and no expectations for presents, but I won’t be a teenager any more. I’m going to have the night off, probably to myself, so that’s cool. Idk what I’ll do, but it will probably involve sleeping in and playing video games.
Hah, okay, so, we just got a bunch of walkie-talkies at work. They have a headset with microphone that you plug in. This has been one of the most amusing things I’ve dealt with at work in a while. All of the normal messing-around that my shifties and I do is amplified. We don’t have to yell across the building or run around trying to find each other if we need something or have a random comment. There are fewer inhibitions related to face-to-face conversation. Continue reading
Hey, so, I have a birthday later this month. I’ll be turning 20 on the 27th.
There are usually a larger number of people who like me than I’m willing to admit, so I figured I’d give you guys a chance to do nice things for me by presenting you with my Amazon wish list. There’s another specific item I’d like that isn’t on the list because it’s not on Amazon for some reason. It’s a super cool jigsaw puzzle.
If you’d like to contribute to covering medical (prescriptions, IUD) or living expenses, or if you don’t have my address, (or if you just feel like sending money) you can use my donate link to send moneys through PayPal. I think there’s a way to add a note so you can specify what you’d like to help out with if it suits your fancy. **Afterthought: I also want to go to CONvergence later this year, and hopefully Skepticon as well! If you’d like to help out with that, make a note of it and your donation will be saved to help pay for that stuff.**
I love all of you. I’m chipping away at a piece for Zinnia Jones’ blog and otherwise trying to become betterer enough to function and do more regular writing. It’s hard. I appreciate having a network of people to support me regardless of whether I get gifts at any point of the year. Most of my friends are internet friends, and you pretty much never let me down.
Such love. Many hugs. Much tired.
**EDITED: I mentioned in a previous post that I’m interested in getting a new toy from Bad-Dragon (NSFW), so, you know… if you wanna help with that, I guess.**
Content note: This is a post about birth control, sex, mild transphobia, and misgendering to the max.
So, I’m 19 (nearly 20!) and haven’t been on birth control for years. My hubby and I were using condoms for the first couple years and then that pretty much deteriorated, especially after learning cool stuff like how the pull out method is surprisingly effective.
I’ve been wanting to get an IUD for quite some time, for multiple reasons. I don’t want hormonal birth control (like the pill) because I really don’t want a body more full of femme hormones. I don’t want bigger tits and I’m scared of the dysphoria I’ve heard people experience just from having certain hormones in their bodies. I want to get one thing and then not have to deal with it again for a while, and since I don’t want kids for several years, a 5-year simple thing would be the best method. Continue reading
Sooo, you may have heard that Zinnia Jones invited me to co-author on her blog over at Freethought Blogs. If you hadn’t heard, now you know!
At first, I was sort of flabbergasted. By “sort of” I mean that it took an entire day and a half to become accustomed to the idea before I could accept. There are probably a lot of mechanisms feeding into that, like not feeling like a trustworthy, stable person, having a lot of Impostor Syndrome, and my entire mentality surrounding how others interact with me. Which is basically that I’m totally shocked to find that people think about me when we aren’t in direct contact, confused about them liking me in the first place, and being held in high-enough regard to be invited to co-author a blog just totally blows my mind.
During this period of trying to accustom myself to the idea (and being self-negative as usual), I realized I was less excited about getting on FTB as a co-author. Obviously my thought before has been that I might be able to get this beautifully named blog on their blogroll. So it took a little while for me to actually get it in my head that, yes, I’m a blogger on FTB and it’s just as significant as if my own blog had been assimilated.
A big part of breaking through that funk was when Heina offered me her congrats on Twitter. (I can’t find the tweet to embed, blerg.) She basically said grats and mentioned that she knew it was a goal of mine. My internal response: Continue reading
Here’s a video talking about a few apps I’ve started using in the last week or so.